So, I know everyone’s REALLY excited about Elena’s whole getting-used-to-being-a-vampire thing. But for the moment I’m kind of over it. Which is why I’ve decided to do something different; instead of writing about things that actually happened on “The Vampire Diaries,” I’m going to recap future episodes. Now, I know it sounds crazy. I’m not a fortune teller, or a palm reader, or even a Wiccan knock-off of Bonnie, but I’m just going to go for it. I’m feeling the futuristic groove. (Besides, this show is so crazy that it’ll probably happen anyway.)
Prediction No. 1: Jeremy is going to get busy with that chick from “The Nine Lives of Chloe King.” You can totally tell that she already has a major crush on him (and she hasn’t seen him in years, so that’s awkward), and he definitely thought she looked good. She’s going to have to either already be or become some sort of supernatural something, or else Jeremy will dump her. Because even though he’s pretending to hate all supernatural creatures, we all know he likes ’em dead.
Prediction No. 2: Elena’s body is going to continue to reject blood, so they’ll call in Katherine for help in figuring out the doppelganger drama. I will weep with excitement because Katherine is the absolute coolest, and Julie Plec and Kevin Williamson will cook up something incredibly convoluted that intricately ties in to Tatia and the mythology, and it will blow my brain out.
Prediction No. 3: Damon’s going to get his own talk show. His one-liners were off the charts last night. “Like giving a kid a calculator before he can do math” (referring to Elena drinking animal blood and being able to fight those human blood urges), “If I wanted to kill 12 people I wouldn’t blow them up. I’d have a dinner party,” and “What, am I wearing my ’I blew up the council’ T-shirt today?” are just fantastic. And T-shirts will be made.
So now that I’ve predicted the future, I guess I should document the past. Just in case you guys aren’t on the imaginary recap boat yet.
—This episode was all about sex. Hot, steamy, supernatural sex. Caroline and Tyler were doing it, Elena and Stefan were doing it, Damon and Elena might as well have been doing it, and Elena and Matt sort of looked like they had just done it. But all of these instances were ruined: post-coitus, Connor the vampire hunter shot Tyler with some super special bullets, Elena hurled like a blackout freshman who has consumption, Stefan found out that Elena drank Damon’s blood and was really jealous and disappointed, and actually, nothing bad really came out of Elena drinking Matt’s blood in public, in the church. I know. Strange.
-Stefan and Damon had conflicting ideas about how to help Elena: Stefan was copying the Cullens, and Damon knew that it would be too hard for her to just drink animal blood. The problem came to a head when Stefan caught Damon delivering a blood bag to Elena at the memorial. Which, by the way, Elena tried to wear pink too (can you say funeral faux pas!), before changing out of that blood-stained dress and into a nice LBD. Anyway, when talking about their feelings (‘cause that’s what those cats do), Elena explained that she didn’t think Stefan would understand but that Damon would. Ouch. But they’re good. Obviously.
-I was TOTALLY wrong about Pastor Young. I legit thought it was some sort of crazy supernatural scheme, because how could he possibly kill himself and everybody else and not come back? (This is Mystic Falls, after all.) I’m still thinking something’s going to happen with that, but all those folks are dead. And had some sort of connection to psychotic vampire slayer Connor, who kleptoed the good pastor’s last words to his daughter April. Which went something like: ’’m sorry you have to deal with this, know that it’s the first of many big sacrifices to stop a bigger evil. Is that danger Connor? I thought they were on the same side? I don’t like him at all. Can we find out more about him and send him home?
-The writers forgot about Klaus and Rebekah. I’m not sure how it’s possible, considering the Originals are EVERYTHING TO ME, but they’ve also forgotten about Katherine, which should be impossible, so I won’t put it past them. Maybe they’ll come back next week?
-There was a really beautiful scene where Stefan held an impromptu memorial service for the kiddos. Everyone lit candles and named names (John Gilbert was totally left out! So was Isobel! Why am I surprised?), and then those lovely lanterns flew into the sky, and honestly, I’m not even being sarcastic, it wasn’t even sappy at all. But two important things stemmed from this. No. 1: Do Japanese lanterns fly? WAS BONNIE DOING A SPELL? AM I BEING STUPID? I’M SO CONFUSED! No. 2: Damon was not down with this memorial, so he had his own at Alaric’s grave. We saw deep into his psyche, he talked all about how losing someone is just gosh-darnit awful, and as he drunkenly stumbled away, he left an invisible Alaric Saltzman, who’s missed him, too. Was that the spoiler I was supposed to be excited about? Because I’m not, producers! I’M NOT! Don’t get me wrong—I miss Ric, but I was hardly shocked.
-Connor is a psychopath. He staked April as a trap for the vampires. Eventually, Elena and Caroline went to free and save her. Elena was nervous about her urges, but Caroline played teacher and showed Elena that she had the strength to compel April to think happy thoughts without sucking her dry. ’Twas a sweet moment.
-Jeremy not only sees dead people, he sees invisible tattoos. Can we please find out what’s going on with him? It’s the most interesting storyline of all!
-Elena honored Alaric in the greatest way possible: She started a’drinking.
What did you think of “The Memorial”? Do you think my predictions have merit? What are your own? Where were Klaus and Rebekah? What’s going on with Jeremy? Spoilers mention April as a rival for Elena; how do you see that evolving? How will the whole Elena-Stefan-Damon thing continue to play out? What’s with Connor’s invisible tattoo? Is he a threat who’s secretly supernatural? Tell me how you feel! You have a couple of options with which to do so. You may take to Twitter and you make take to commenting below. Whichever way you choose, make it snappy! I want to know what you’re thinking. Immediately. If not sooner.