'True Blood' Season 5 Premiere Recap: 'Turn! Turn! Turn!'

True BloodSo, where were we? Ah, right! Ding, dong, the witch is dead...along with several beloved characters, as the "True Blood" season four finale concluded with Jesus stabbed to death by the possessed Lafayette, and Tara felled by a bullet from Dirty Debbie's shotgun. But nothing stays buried forever in Bon Temps, and on this supernaturally sexy show, dead isn't necessarily gone.

Tara's Turn

As Sookie cradles her bloody BFF and Lafayette panics like a boss, Pam appears looking for Eric. And maybe it's just the grief talking, but isn't this the perfect opportunity to give Tara a second chance at life as a bloodsucking beast of the night? A couple objections are raised—just little things, y'know, like Tara's well-known aversion to all things fanged as well as the fact that half her head is missing—but in the end, Sookie's promise to owe Pam a solid tips the scales. And down go the maybe-maker and her possible-progeny into a backyard hideyhole, to wait out the heat of the day.

Meanwhile, Bill and Eric are in a frantic state of post-finale cleanup, as Eric washes Nan off the walls (and desk, and floor, and lamps and...we're gonna need more Mop'n'Glow) while Bill makes plans to flee the area. But the plan is short-lived; the two exit into the waiting arms (and nets) of the Authority, only to spring themselves from captivity, only to find that Eric's sister-by-maker Nora is part of their transport team and was planning to rescue them anyway. However, the early escape gives them time to enjoy a night's sleep in a shipping container—and for Eric and Nora to have hot vampcestual sex! Ewwwww/yeaaaah! And then they're off to a new area, with new identities, never to retur—wait, nope, captured again. But if this redundant capture-escape-capture arc meant the difference between seeing Eric Northman naked and not, well, we like it.

Sooks and Lafayette, however, enjoy no such downtime—not when the finale's bloodiest moments took place in their respective domiciles, because that's a whole lotta mess. The only minor upsets to the cleanup schedule? The disappearance of Jesus's body (whaaaaat?!), and the arrival of Alcide (heeeeeey!) with the message that Russell Edgington is very much back in business (yaaaaaay!). ...Oh, and there's also the part where the post-sunset-exhumation of Tara and Pam reveals an apparently-still-dead-Tara, only JUST KIDDING!

"GAAAAAH!" screams Sookie, as she frantically backpedals away from her newly fanged friend. Although really, what was she expecting from Pam's progeny—a hug? C'mon, now.

Let The Right One In

So, what is Reverend Newlin doing at Jason's door with a sadistic smile and a gleaming pair of fangs? We feared the worst when he glamoured his way in, but as it turns out, the Rev just wants to get in line behind his wife (and everyone else) to ride the Stackhouse Sex Train.

"I'm a gay, vampire American," he says, sweetly. "And I love you, Jason Stackhouse!"

Aww! Though of course, the Reverend doesn't play nice for long; "LOVE ME!" he roars, after Jason politely explains that, "This dog doesn't bark up that tree." And it's Jessica to the rescue! Actually kinda-sorta delivering on our request that she get to kick Reverend Newlin around this season! Poor Jason is delighted when she informs the slack-jawed Rev that he's macking on the property of an older vampire...but then devastated when he turns up at her house the next day and it turns out that nope, she's still not interested in commitment.

And elsewhere in Bon Temps, other unexpected house guests are causing their own kinds of trouble: both delightfully awkward and promisingly sinister! In the former category: Holly's kids come home early from a hunting trip just in time to witness the naked, sleeping aftermath of her romp with Andy Bellefleur. Cringe! And in the latter? The appearance of Terry's past, in the form of military pal Patrick Devins, threatens to seriously unsettle Terry's hard-won life of peaceable burger-flipping. Not only does Devins allude to Some Terrible Thing that happened in Iraq, but it turns out that their fellow Marines have been steadily dying off in house fires—not unlike the one that, up until now, Terry and everyone else on "True Blood" attributed to the unhappy spirit of "a really pretty ghost lady named Mavis." And that's all for now, but with Scott Foley's confirmed presence for the better part of season five, this won't be the last of that plotline.

What Do You Wear To A Werewolf Funeral?

With Marcus Bozeman dead, the Bon Temps wolfpack is on the scent of his killer...or that's what they think, anyway, when they turn up on Sam's doorstep and accuse him of murder. Luna urges him to just tell them that Alcide, not Sam, murdered Marcus, but Sam won't cry wolf. In fact, he won't cry at all! Not even when the pack ties him up and tortures him for information. But then, an older ladywolf gives him an ultimatum: disclose the whereabouts of Marcus's body, or Luna and Emma are Kibbles 'n Bits. Low blow, lady, but of course Sam relents.

And that's okay, 'cause Luna and Alcide show up just in time to save his life. Alcide lays claim to the kill, and half the pack bows down to their new Alpha, but the others—including the old ladywolf who, surprise, is Marcus's mom!—are all the more furious that the packmaster was felled by one of their own. Will they make Alcide wear the Cone of Shame?

...No. They will eat Marcus, because werewolf mourning rituals are complicated. Also, disgusting. Also, if the Bozemans senior host a post-funeral brunch in honor of their dead son, it's probably best to avoid the casserole.

What did you think of last night's premiere episode? Sound off in the comments and on Twitter!