Marnie began the episode once again chastising sickeningly sweet boyfriend Charlie, this time for his newly shaved head. (“You look like Mickey Mouse but without the ears.”) But it was Marnie who looked the fool when she discovered he buzzed his dome in solidarity with a co-worker who’s battling ovarian cancer. Oops. Hannah emerged from the bathroom looking like she was ready to step onto the set of “The Craft: The Reunion”—a fact that was not lost on Charlie. “You look like you’re going to put a hex on some popular girls,” he quipped. But it was all part of Hannah’s latest, ill-advised attempt to woo Adam.
For about the ninth time in three episodes, Hannah showed up unannounced at Adam’s place, and I couldn’t help but wonder how many more of these awkward conversations she’ll endure before finally running screaming into the night.
Hannah on the phone to Adam while outside of his apartment: “You home?”
Adam to Hannah: “For the moment. Sure.”
My best guess: 33
Adam didn’t seem too enthused about Hannah’s drop-in, but that didn’t stop him from jumping her, and what followed ranks among my worst nightmares right after that one where I show up at my old high school naked, playing the flute for my 12th grade crush. Namely, as the two sat in bed, Adam grabbed a fistful of Hannah’s belly fat and began manhandling it in the least flattering way possible (if there ever were a flattering way to grab someone’s flab). He then asked if she’d ever tried losing weight and if she ate for fun rather than fuel. Hannah seemed annoyed but not nearly as angry as I think most women would be. I’ll leave you to decide whether that’s a good or bad thing.
Before leaving Adam’s place, Hannah got the call she’s been dreading: She tested positive for an STD. But she can continue watching “Forrest Gump” because it’s HPV not AIDS. She immediately blamed Adam seeing as he’s the only one she’s sleeping with, but he denied it, saying he’d been tested and didn’t have it. (A test which doesn’t exist for men.) But Hannah clearly didn’t pay attention in sex ed, so she apologized and asked if he’d still have sex with her. “When it’s appropriate,” he answered. Hannah concluded it must have been her college BF who gave it to her. She then randomly stopped by Shoshanna’s apartment to change, where the college student was busy nestled up in her Snuggie watching “Baggage,” which my roommate tells me is an actual show that is on the TV! How have I not been DVRing this? The girls began talking about their own baggage, Hannah’s, of course, being her new HPV status. An ailment, it turns out, Jessa has too. “All adventurous women do,” Shoshanna said, quoting Jessa.
Meanwhile, Jessa was gearing up for her first day as a gainfully employed babysitter by donning a neon pink bikini covered only by a sheer white (floor-length!) muumuu. Clearly, “work appropriate attire” isn’t an imperative in the pearl-shucking industry. Jessa’s employers are a documentary filmmaker and her husband, and their two daughters are prototypical precocious Manhattan tots who do mosaic work and write novels about Alcoholics Anonymous members.
Though she was worried about possibly rekindling something physical with her college boyfriend, Hannah called Elijah anyway to set up a drink date to reveal her big news. Except, her big news was usurped by Elijah’s big news, namely, that he wasn’t straight anymore. “This exploration was very much inspired by you,” he told her. Gosh! Music to a girl’s ears! And it just got better. When Hannah asked how he managed to sleep with her for those two years when he was clearly attracted to dudes he replied, “There’s a handsomeness to you…” Anyway, Elijah unsurprisingly balked at Hannah’s STD accusation, going so far as to spitefully tell her that her father is likely gay. Because, you know, he wears a stud in his ear. “It was nice to see you,” he spat while leaving. “Your dad is gay.”
Marnie’s night wasn’t off to much of a better start, as she was working a gallery event where her boss was trying to pimp her like a high-class hooker. Boss Lady offered her up to pretentious Jonathan—an artist whom Marnie admires. But he was non-plussed. “Try and give less of a sh–,” he told her. Things must have gotten better from there, though, because he eventually took her outside for a stroll along the Highline, which was closed. Marnie felt like he might try to kiss her, so she asked him not to. A request he obeyed, but not before dropping this titillating promise: “But I want you to know the first time I f— you, I might scare you a little because I’m a man and I know how to do things. See you later.” We shouldn’t have been turned on by this, right? But, we kinda were. Marnie was too—so much so that she had to run to the bathroom to take care of herself.
Back in Kiddie Land, dad came home to relieve Jessa, and in a plot line you could probably see coming a mile away, the two hit it off…and he offered her pot. They chatted it up until the wee hours, accidentally awaking one of the girls, who came out and scolded dad for eating her snack. We’ll keep an eye on this budding something.
The night ended with a dejected Hannah composing a tweet about her ordeal while Robyn’s “Dancing On My Own” blasted from the speakers. Then she too danced on her own…until Marnie came home and boogied with her. And that simple scene, Crushers, was the moment “Girls” truly won me over.
What did you think of last night’s “Girls”?