This week’s “Vampire Diaries” has brought me to the following conclusion: Executive producers Julie Plec and Kevin Williamson must read my recaps. It’s the only logical explanation for how a mere two weeks after I confronted them via internet about cheating us out of meeting more Originals they’ve introduced us to TWO NEW ORIGINALS! (Hello, Kol and Finn!) I am so excited I could burst. In fact, I’ve already burst. My sanity has probably burst, because I am so overwhelmed that I’m convinced they are actually listening to me, when in reality, I’m just so obsessed with this show that we are on the same wavelength.
So now that I’m on the same page as Julie and Kevin, let’s (you and I) get us on the same page. Starting with:
1. Elijah. He is back, in all his glory. You will remember (even though I didn’t, except with the help of a Hollywood Crush commenter) that Damon pulled his dagger out and brought him back to life! Oh, Elijah— reunited, and it feels so good! Next comes an Elijah and Klaus fight, which is sort of interesting to watch, except I’m bored. That is, until Elijah mentions Kol and Finn! They have been daggered for centuries! I think we’re going to get to meet them! OMG! OMG! And then at some point Klaus tells Elijah about killing their mother. And how he wants to be a family again. And how they can be when Stefan is destroyed. I am, in a word, nervous.
2. Those weird murders. Someone is killing the good citizens (Founders Council members) of Mystic Falls with vampire-killing weapons. Which belong to the Gilberts. Which have Elena’s fingerprints on them. What?! Yeah. First was Meredith’s ex-boyfriend Brian. Then came Caroline’s dad, Bill. And then came Alaric, which turned into a whole lot o’ creepy because Elena had to kill him (a supernatural death) in order for his ring to bring him back to life. It’s a Mystic Falls mystery, and I’ve got to say, I don’t really care whodunit.
3. As we’ve all suspected, Stefan + Damon = Klaus + Elijah. The parallels are uncanny! Two brothers, best friends until the love of a woman came between them! Both Stefan and Klaus killed their fathers! And that woman whose love they shared? RELATED!
4. What I’ve been waiting for since episode one. TATIA! The originator of the Petrova line. (I guess Julie and Kev— can I call you that, Kev?— decided against their Charlotte Petrova idea.) She was incredibly beautiful, and all the boys in Mystic Falls (before it was called Mystic Falls) wanted her, despite the fact she had a child by another man. And nobody loved her more than Klaus. Except of course, his brother Elijah. (SOUND FAMILIAR?) I am so excited, I am so excited. I want to know more! Apparently, their mother was so upset by their feuding, and since Tatia wouldn’t choose between them, their mother used Tatia’s blood as the blood they all drank to become vampires. Now, this is getting creepy. I still want to know how/why Tatia’s bloodline yielded doppelgangers. I’m assuming Esther did this, but I’m still confused. Also, I want to meet her so badly. Please do another Viking flashback. Please. Please!
5. Abby and Bonnie open the coffin. Abby figures out that the coffin was sealed with two generations of witches, thus, it must be opened in the same way. And they open it. And it’s suspenseful, because we don’t know what’s in it. That is, until, Elijah undaggers all three of his siblings and Rebekah tells Klaus that she’s going to kill Elena so he can never create more hybrids and always be alone. And Klaus replies that they can’t hurt him, because he’s the hybrid. And Elijah retorts that he will fear them, as soon as they get that coffin. And then! And then. ESTHER WALKS IN! OH WHAT NOW SHE WAS IN THE COFFIN I TOTALLY CALLED THAT IN A PREVIOUS RECAP LIFE IS SO INSANE RIGHT NOW!
6. Family reunion. Klaus is quivering like a little girl, but Esther says that he is her son, and she forgives him. She wants only to be a family again. Is this true? I don’t know! We shall see next week at the ball that the Originals are throwing! Get your dancing shoes on, folks— I have a feeling it’s going to be a wild good time.
Stefan admits that he still loves Elena. And so does Damon.
Elena acts all wise in telling Caroline that Bill’s decision to not go through transition is his choice. This is ridiculous coming from Elena, who takes away everybody’s choice to “protect them,” à la Jeremy.
Damon think he’s Gossip Girl. He legitimately signed a note to Elijah as follows: XOXO, Damon.
Bonnie finally got the supernatural leather memo.
This episode was bizarrely sappy. That was annoying.
But you know what wasn’t annoying? Rebekah’s back! And we’ve met Kol and Finn! AND ESTHER’S BACK! And I’m so beyond excited for next week.
Are you surprised that Esther was what was in the coffin? Are you proud that I guessed it? Do you trust Abby Bennett? Do you trust Esther? What’s going to happen at this ball? Are you dying to know more about Tatia? Where was Tyler? When do we get to learn everything about Kol and Finn? Is Jeremy ever coming back? Is good Stefan coming back? What do you think?! Tell me everything and more! Don’t make it a bore! Let’s add to this lore. And type until you are sore!