All right, “Vampire Diaries.” When I’ve repeatedly told you that all I care about is history and character development and Originals, I meant it. So, I think we have a slight communication problem. It’s understandable, considering I write these recaps in my apartment and you are a TV show, so you obviously can’t read, lacking human qualities and such, plus even if you could read, I doubt you’d read what I write (although you totally should, obviously). That being said, I’ll take what I can get, so thank you for introducing us to Bonnie’s mom, Abby Bennett. She is clearly not an original vampire, but that is where Elijah comes in. Oh yes, he returned. We’ll get to that. It was a cheap trick, though, because I specifically asked for ORIGINAL VAMPIRES WHOM WE HAVE NOT YET MET. At some point, “TVD,” you’re going to have to stop stringing me along. Let’s hope it’s soon after February 2, because, yeah, you’re going on a mild hiatus, again! WHAT THE HECK! Oh, we’ll get to that, too. We’ll get to that, too.
First things first, though!
1. The producers are confused about which of their shows they’re writing
It’s one thing to reference a scene from a classic, but to borrow something from your other show? That’s just lazy! Bonnie has another dream in which she’s hanging out at the Bennett plot in a graveyard. Coincidentally, I am unsure as to how the Bennett line works, considering it’s matrilineal, and all of their last names are Bennett. Which really doesn’t work, considering modern patrilineal name-givings and such. However, that’s unimportant! What is important is that Klaus shows up, teases Bonnie, saying that he could open the coffin, and can’t she? And then he bites her. And then she’s inside the coffin, stuck, à la Cassie in “The Secret Circle,” à la what I wrote about seven sentences up.
2. Abby Bennett
It’s time for Bonnie to find her long-lost, deadbeat mom, who apparently skipped town 15 years ago. She enlists Elena’s help, because her dream convinces her that her mom’s the one who can open the sketchy-ass coffin. Together, they travel to North Carolina to find Abby. But not before Klaus sends a freaky hybrid weirdo to find her first! I’m confused as to how Klaus knew, but I shouldn’t question the aforementioned Most-Bad-Ass-Vampire-Of-All-Time (although Stefan is giving him a run for his money). Clearly, something fishy will happen, but for now, we meet Jamie, the son of one of Abby’s exes, who is basically like her adopted son. It is awkward, for sure, that homegirl abandoned her own daughter for a fake son, but hey, these things happen, you know? Things are all nice and lovely. Or as nice and lovely as things can be when you’re trying to get the mother who abandoned you 15 years ago to a) help you open up a magically locked coffin and b) find out why she left you. Turns out, Abby left because of… Elena! Damn, that girl sucks. A vampire came looking for the doppelganger (WAIT, THEY KNEW ABOUT THE DOPPELGANGER? VERY, VERY CURIOUS…) and since she was best friends with Elena’s mom (kind of strange that that was a surprise, but whatever) she cast a spell and encased the vampire in a crypt in North Carolina. So that’s how Mikael got where he got pre-death! However, after the spell, Abby lost a great deal of her magic. She found herself in a new place and embraced the chance to be Abby, the person, instead of Abby, the witch. Am I buying this? I don’t know, maybe. Anyway, Abby is sans magic. She is apparently also sans conscience, because she is drugging Bonnie and kidnapping her, while her pseudo son is tying up Elena and Stefan (yeah, he showed up too!). That’s because he’s compelled to shoot Stefan if Bonnie doesn’t tell Klaus where the coffins are! Uh-oh.
3. Welcome back, psycho Bill!
Caroline’s pop is back to help Tyler try to break his sire bond. Apparently, he knows all about breaking the sire bond, despite the fact that there had been no sire bonds, ever, a mere two months ago. Anywho, since he can resist compulsion, he is the authority on these matters, so he and Tyler have to work together. This involves him chaining Tyler up in the Lockwood (Original family? Fell?) underground crypt, and forcing him to turn at will. Once he can do that painlessly, he will break the sire bond. Until then, though, Bill’s not letting him anywhere near Caroline. Personally, I think this storyline was just a ruse to see Tyler half-naked, because now that he doesn’t have to turn, we needed an excuse to see him shirtless.
4. Damon had a one-liner!
Well, duh. Except, it wasn’t a one-liner. But it was good, so I’ll repeat it. Bonnie looks at Damon, and Elena, asks what’s up, and Damon goes: We kissed. Now it’s weird. Have a great trip! Oh, Damon, you go boy-ee!
5. How the Abby Bennett mess got cleaned up
Jamie had been compelled to kill himself if Bonnie didn’t give up the location of the coffins. Honestly, I’m not so sure why Klaus is so intent on getting his family back. Judging from what we know about him killing his mother and Rebekah and Elijah’s sure-to-be reactions, I’m not so sure they’ll be all jazzed to see him. But, we’ll find that out later, I guess. Anyway, Elena frees herself and Stefan. She even takes the wooden bullets out! Again, the producers seem to be confused. Combined with this emergency surgery and Bill Forbes getting vampire blood inserted into him from Dr. Meredith Fell (yeah, not surprised), it’s like an episode of freaking “Grey’s Anatomy.” Everyone’s safe, but Klaus now knows and can see the coffins. All, except the mysterious locked one, which Damon had enough time to hide. My, oh my when will the suspense let up!
6. OMG ELIJAH!
So, Klaus is now in the house, and then all of a sudden, his freaky hybrid manfriend is daggered or staked or something from behind! AND WHO DID THIS? To quote my notes: OHH SH——! ELIJAH IS BACK I THOUGHT HE WAS IN THE COFFIN HE KILLED A HYBRID WATTTUP.
Oh, and apparently no new episodes till February 2. Thanks for that.
What did you think of Elijah’s return?! ARE YOU BEYOND EXCITED? Do you have any idea how he came back? How was meeting Bonnie’s mom? Can we trust her? Will Bonnie help her get her magic back? Will they open the coffin? How heartbreaking was Stefan’s reaction to Elena telling him about the kiss? (I skipped over that, but we know it’s important.) Are you worried that Alaric told Meredith about his secret life-saving ring? Are you worried that he can’t go anywhere but the Grill? Are you worried about what Klaus will do next? We have two (right?) “TVD”-less weeks to discuss, so don’t be shy! Tell me everything you know and everything you don’t know and everything you want to know, because I want to know all that you know and all that you don’t know. So, take to your keyboard on Twitter, or below.