As per usual, so much crazy stuff happened on last night’s episode. Like, Tyler was creepily loyal to Klaus! The kids actually went back to school! Stefan and Rebekah enrolled too! Matt tried doing some magic for dummies and then Bonnie had to reverse the spell! And Jeremy totally emotionally cheated on Bonnie with Anna, again! But, as you may have expected, I don’t really care about any of it, because all I can care about is the fact that Katherine succeeded in awaking Mikael. AND HE STARTED TO FEED ON HER! THAT IS RIGHT! THE VAMPIRE WHO KILLS OTHER VAMPIRES MAY HAVE KILLED KATHERINE AND I AM FREAKING OUT LIKE NEVER BEFORE AND IF SHE IS DEAD I SWEAR TO EVERYTHING THAT IS HOLY THAT I WILL NEVER, EVER, EVER FORGIVE JULIE PLEC AND KEVIN WILLIAMSON.
Ahem. Apologies for the outburst. Now that I think about it, I do kind of care about the other things. Just not as much as I care about Katherine. OMG, I can’t even type her name without freaking out. Somebody help.
OK. Let’s focus on something calming. Like explaining every not calm, incredibly crazy-important thing that happened last night.
1. Tyler’s been sired. According to Damon, it’s unusual in vampires, but maybe it’s the standard for hybrids. (Tyler is the first, you know.) Since Klaus’ blood created Tyler’s vampireness, Tyler feels loyal to Klaus, like he owes him everything. Clearly, this is a problem. And we don’t exactly have a solution yet, unless you think Damon’s quick-witted comment is enough:
Caroline: So how do we fix him?
Damon: Get a new boyfriend.
2. The Rebekah Situation is getting interesting, and may solve the above problem! When Klaus was hightailing it out of Mystic Falls at the mention of Mikael’s name, he left his dear sister behind. What’s a girl to do? Well, first, obviously, go shopping. (Barbie Klaus may have a little bit of shopaholic syndrome, don’t you think? The girl is ALWAYS carrying shopping bags.) Then, find a place to live. Which happens to be…the Salvatore mansion! Neither Stefan nor Damon seems too pleased, but I’m pretty darn excited. To stir up the pot even more, Rebekah’s going back to high school. She’s supposed to keep watch over Tyler (like Stefan’s supposed to keep watch over Elena), and she is taking that very seriously. Like, so seriously. To the point where she may solve Caroline’s hybrid boyfriend problem! Meaning, she wants Car’s spunk, popularity, life…maybe even her boyfriend! Uh-oh. Didn’t we already go through this with Katherine and Stefan?
3. Speaking of which, Stefan is ultra creepy. Like, to the max. With his love for Elena and his humanity completely turned off, his only mission is to protect Elena (a.k.a. the human blood bag—no offense!) for Klaus. My one problem: Didn’t Rose say, all that time ago, (which was really not that long ago, since it’s only apparently been a year) that turning it off is a myth? That for the newbies it works, but once you’re at a certain age you have to actually deal with your guilt and pain? Are we rewriting history and mythology, producers? Or is Stefan still young enough to turn it off with the help of Klaus’s compulsion?
4. Elena the Vampire Slayer. Move over Buffy. Elena Gilbert’s on the loose, and she’s training! At 5:15 a.m. With Alaric, Vampire Slayer Teacher Man. She’s been practicing to protect herself from Stefan, and hatches up a plan with Alaric, Damon, Caroline, and Bonnie, because Tyler, being the creepy, brainwashed, hybrid slave he is, won’t help. At the confusingly school-sanctioned(?) spirit bonfire, Elena pretends to drink to oblivion, falls from the bleachers, waits for Stefan to heroically catch her and then has Alaric vervain gun him from the back. The problem with said plan?
5. Vicki. What an annoyance! Vicki helps Matt do some freaky ritual in which he lights candles and cuts himself, while Vicki’s witch on the other side does some crazy voodoo to help her push through. And it works. So Vicki’s back. Except, she must restore the balance of nature for her witch. Which means that Klaus’ hybrids can’t survive. Which means that she has to kill…Elena. I’m sorry, but this whole Elena-as-target-thing is getting kind of annoying. Aren’t we over her dying, yet? Anyway, Vicki sets fire to the car that Elena has dragged Stefan into. But since it’s all magical, Elena and Stefan are locked inside, and Alaric can’t get them out. Which brings us to Bonnie, who starts magicking Matt’s way out of the Vicki situation. With the magic gone, Elena’s able to escape and bring Stefan with her. And Matt is able to tearfully let Vicki go.
6. Jeremy, Jeremy, Jeremy. Homeboy is still seeing Anna. In fact, he’s talking to her while he’s supposed to be talking to Bonnie! But he can’t help it. He can’t stop thinking about her! And she can’t stop thinking about him! And then their hands touch, and they do that hand-touching-emotional-cheating-thing. Except, this time, they can feel each others’ hands! OMG!
7. So now that Stefan and Elena are safe and back at the Salvatore house, Stefan asks her why she saved him. It’s because she still has hope for him, that he’ll regain his humanity. And you know what the former love of her life says to her? Do you have any idea?
Stefan: Do you know how pathetic that makes you, Elena?
Elena: No, Stefan. It makes me strong.
And then she stakes him! You go, girl!
8. As part of the plan, Damon gets his flirt on with Rebekah. Who eats some marshmallows with him and pretends to kind of be into it, and then skewers him. Which is funny. But I’d like to see this flirtation continue. We have some new relationships abrewing, friends. The Stefan and Elena thing is dead for now, but their new protection-evil thing definitely has some sort of tension. And, of course, Damon and Elena are practically on fire. Like, get thee to a bedroom immediately (if not sooner.) Fun, fun, fun!
9. And then comes Mason Lockwood. WHAT? Yeah. The dude is dead. Right? Did Matt and Bonnie’s magic totally mess up the balance of nature with the other side? Are all the dead supernatural folks going to just come hang out in Mystic Falls again? What the heck is going on? Well, for Damon’s sake, let’s hope ML isn’t TOO vengeful. He’s kind of back and badder than ever.
What is going on in Mystic Falls? Is Katherine dead? (God, I hope not.) Why did Klaus leave Rebekah? Is there still hope for Stefan? What’s going to happen with Tyler and Caroline? Is Jeremy going to break up with Bonnie for his dead vampire ghost girlfriend? And aren’t you happy that I didn’t make fun of Elena in this episode, because she was kind of rockin’? Tell me, tell me! I am starved for information, I am starved for your opinions and thoughts and ideas and conversational skills. So write to us! On Twitter, or in the comments below! Make yourself known.