Hide yo kids, hide yo wife: It's a "True Blood" season finale, and—as suggested by that screamy Bon Temps depopulation teaser they've been showing all week—they killin' ERRBODY out here.
Ding, dong, the witch is dead
Jesus, distracted by guilt over aiding in the murder of his good pal Marnie, is a little too slow to realize that Lafayette has been possessed by her. Too bad! A grievous fork-to-hand injury could've been avoided if he'd just paid a little attention—as could the very, very sad thing that happens next. Because Marnie's in control, and she wants Jesus' brujo magic... ALL of it, she says, and this can't mean anything good. But Laf's life is at stake, and Jesus agrees to hand over his powers. Marfayette stabs him in the heart and gets the Demon Cathead. Jesus, in exchange, gets dead.
Meanwhile, down at Merlotte's, everyone is busy setting up for Halloween...and laying out the groundwork for season five. Sam, happy at last, is turning over a new leaf with Luna and Emma. Alcide, sad at the bar, pleads with Sookie to consider his offer of a nice, stable relationship. And hey, look, it's Scott Foley—just in time to tease his next-season storyline as an old Army buddy of Terry's. But wait, because the witchery isn't done: Here comes Tara, with the news that Marnie is still at large. And off go Tara, Sookie and Holly to the vampire mansion, where Marfayette is about to make a vampire bonfire out of Bill and Eric.
Can the ultimate fighting team of a witch, a faerie and a lady cagefighter finally put an end to this nonsense? Answer: yes! Marfayette sets fire to the vamps as Sookie throws a faeriebomb, then joins hands with the other two ladies. They call out to the dead for assistance, and out come the ghosts from the Bon Temps graveyard—including Antonia, who blows out the fire and tells Marnie that it's time to evacuate her fry cook host and move the eff on. Also of help: Sookie's grandma, who drags the reluctant Marnie out of Laf's mouth by the hair. Marnie is peeved and whiny, but Antonia reasons with her, and Marnie relents, and the whole thing is just a giant nonfrontation, really. And away they go... but not before Granny Stackhouse dispenses a few last words of wisdom to the weeping Sookie.
"Being alone ain't nothin' to be afraid of," she says, and if this isn't a wake-up call to our favorite serial monogamist, I don't know what is.
Bye, bye love
The death count is still awfully low for a season-ender, but any more killing will just have to wait—because first, it's time to wrap up the romances. First on the list: Jason's guilty fling with Jessica, which prompts him to confess to Hoyt, who punches him in the face and informs him that he's a defective, wiener-driven butthead who will never truly know love. All of which just adds to the sting when Jessica later shows up at Jason's door in a red cape and lingerie, and seduces him again, but then informs him that she's not ready for a relationship before heading out into the night for some post-coital feeding. And though a knock on the door moments later makes Jason think she's changed her mind, it's not Jess who's waiting on the doorstep; it's Reverend Newlin. VAMPIRE Reverend Newlin!
Meanwhile, watching Lafayette weep for the lost Jesus is completely heartbreaking (even if the brujo's ghost shows up to remind Laf that he's not really gone, since Lafayette can, after all, talk to dead people.) Good thing we've got the spectacle of Bill and Eric, healing their burns with a double shot of faerieblood and drinking from the willing Sookie at the same time, to make up for it. Also, they're wearing matching robes. Matching robes! But instead of the orgy you might have expected, Sooks throws a curve: Because she loves both of them, she'll have to choose... neither of them. Which should come as welcome news to Pam, who's having such a meltdown over Eric's affection for Sookie that she actually lets herself be hugged.
And with the love stories safely stowed for the winter, it's time to get back to the real business of the finale: death and foreboding. Arlene gets a surprise visit from the ghost of her dead, murdering baby-daddy, who warns her that Terry's old friend is bad news. Sam, fresh from a sweet goodbye with his new ladylove, finds himself face-to-face with an angry werewolf. Russell Edgington has escaped from his concrete-and-silver prison. And Nan Flanagan, fired from both the Authority and the AVL, shows up at the vampire palace with some harsh words for Eric and Bill... who can take a lot of things, dammit, but being called "puppy dogs" isn't one of them. And whatever Nan was planning will remain a mystery, because now she's just a stain on the carpet.
And hey, speaking of stains, here's Debbie! And apparently, V isn't the only old habit she can't quite kick; the brokenhearted werewolf is also back to her favorite pastime of Breaking Into Sookie's House And Trying To Kill Her. But before she can pull the trigger on her giant shotgun, the day-saving Tara flings herself into the path of death. Pow goes the bullet, and down goes Tara, and SPLAT goes Debbie's head as Sookie turns the gun on her.
And the last thing we see: Sookie, cradling her friend's lifeless body, and making good on that anguished cry of "OH MY GOD SOMEONE PLEASE HELP US" that we've been hearing for weeks in the finale teaser. But considering the giant hole in Tara's skull, it's gonna take more than faerie tears to fix this mess.
What did you think of last night's crazypants "True Blood" finale? Are you sad to see Jesus go? Is Tara really dead? Do you think Sookie should give it a go with Alcide? Sound off in the comments and on Twitter!