Cry, wolf! (Die, wolf)
Sam and Alcide’s search for Marcus Boseman is interrupted by Luna, who charges into the garage with the news that Marcus has taken her daughter, Emma… which means that Marcus has managed to kick Tommy to death, sabotage Alcide’s relationship, and pull off a kidnapping in the span of about eight hours. So evil! So productive! But while Marcus works to convince Debbie that he’s the were of her dreams, Emma finds a phone and calls Luna. And, in short order, the trio kick down the door and discover Marcus and Debbie in the bedroom.
“Nothing happened!”, Debbie shrieks—a claim which is somewhat undermined by the fact that she’s on the bed in her underpants—and Alcide tosses her aside like a McDonald’s napkin (yay!) while Sam kicks the crap out of Marcus (YAY!), but then stops short of killing him with the admonishment that he’s a sad, sad man and he can just live with that. Um, Sam? Have you never seen a single action movie? You never settle for shaming the bad guy! He’ll try to shoot you as soon as your back is turned! Which, of course, Marcus does—only to be stopped by Alcide, who apparently has seen enough movies to just crush the man’s windpipe and be done with it. And then he breaks up with Debbie. So, once again, yay.
Don’t die for me, Argentina
Meanwhile, Jesus feels a pulse in the supposedly dead coven member and begs Marnie to let him save her. Sure, she says! And he and Lafayette cart the corpse off to the ladies’ room. Yes, a corpse: This is nothing but a ruse so that Bon Temps’ greatest brujo can have a little privacy. And he’d better hurry, because the plan to firebomb the Moon Goddess is officially on hold. Because—of course—Sookie is in danger. Jason Stackhouse tells off the vamps for being so cavalier about his sister’s life. (And annoying as Sookie is, he kinda has a point? Although that doesn’t make it any less fabulous when Pam calls her “a gash in a sundress.”)
Still, it’s no fun to see Bill and Eric moping around outside like a couple of sadsacks…and even less fun when they attempt to negotiate with Marnie for Sookie’s life by agreeing to kill themselves. And they’re going to do it, too! Like, it almost actually happens! Until Pam, who can’t stand to see her maker die for the love of lame-o Sookie, blasts a bazooka shell into the protective magic wall that surrounds the Wiccan shop. The wall stays intact, but there’s a huge explosion, and everyone goes flying.
Plus side: Bill and Eric are no longer attempting suicide.
Downside: Jason Stackhouse now looks like a piece of human bacon. (No worries, though: Jessica’s there with a dose of healing blood.)
I drink your
milkshake arterial runoff
And now, it’s time for action. Jesus mixes some herbs, drinks some blood, carves up his arm and warns Laf that shizz is about to get crazy. Marnie makes the coven join hands and starts to chant; outside the vampires begin lurching like zombies toward the Sunny Wall of Death. But Sookie blasts the circle apart with an eruption of faerielight! And Marnie retaliates by encircling her in a hurty, burny ring of fire! And just when it looks like the whimpering Sookie might actually be burned alive, Jesus’ demon cat-face comes out in full force and he breaks the bond between Marnie and Antonia—who peaces out right quick.
And in come the vampires! Eric makes quick work of the sycophantic Roy—ripping out his heart and slurping from an exposed artery like it’s a straw—and Bill pumps Marnie full of lead, and…and…and why is everyone standing around looking so effing guilty? This is great!
But don’t get too comfy, “True Blood” fans: As we postmortem the final confrontation, and Jesus and Laf bed down for some richly deserved snuggle time, the floating ghost of Marnie appears above the bed…and launches herself into Lafayette’s open mouth. Nooooooo! How will our favorite Bon Temps residents defeat the evil necromancer? Dunno. But here’s a prediction: It will, in some way, involve Andy Bellefleur swearing allegiance to faerie Marcella’s glowing E.T. finger and then getting buck-nasty in the woods. Just a guess.
What did you think about last night’s “True Blood”?