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‘True Blood’ Recap: ‘If You Love Me, Why Am I Dyin’?’

Bad news: Eric Northman didn’t manage to recover his memory in those few seconds that seem to have elapsed since the last episode of “True Blood,” so it looks like we may be stuck with the muddle-brained, uncoiffed version of our favorite Viking vampire for at least another couple weeks. Which sucks, because Amnesia Eric is approximately 1000% less interesting than Regular Eric. The lobotomized stare? The doing whatever Sookie says? The hair?! It’s all different! And wrong! This is worse than the last Facebook overhaul!

Sookie brings Amnesiac Eric back to her place with a few ground rules (namely: no biting, since pretty much the only thing Eric does remember is that he’s a vampire. He also keeps calling her “Snooki.”) Conveniently for Sooks, Eric has forgotten he owns the house. He’s polite. He’s submissive. He’s ticklish.

He’s PATHETIC.

“You are really beautiful,” he breathes in his creepy, lobotomized way as Sookie calls Fangtasia. She gets as far as explaining that someone shook Eric’s internal Etch-a-Sketch, which is all it takes for Pam to rapid-flash into the house and start yelling at Sooks—earning herself a toss across the room from Sookie-protective Eric. Pam somehow knows that the witches are responsible; she tells them that Eric is in danger, and that she believes that Bill sent him into the hands of the coven knowing full well that he’d end up as Eric Lite. She begs Sookie to hide him; Sookie says fine, but demands payment.

Sooks still doesn’t want Eric staying in her house, so she goes to get help from…. Alcide! ALCIDE! Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve got werewolf! Alcide is living in Shreveport, thanks to Eric, who hooked him up with a big construction job; they hug, and Sookie starts making her pitch to have him babysit Eric, but they’re interrupted when Debbie enters the room. She’s all smiles and apologies and tells Sooks that she’s clean and in a program, and Alcide’s all, “Oh, maybe I should’ve mentioned that we’re back together,” but the point is, the house of a recovering V addict isn’t the best place for a walking supply of vampire blood to hide out.

Which witch?
Tara-Laf-Jesus trio are hanging with the witches and discussing how to handle the aftermath of the coven’s run-in with Eric—not knowing, of course, that currently There Is No Eric. Tara is complaining that she’d only been in Bon Temps for two hours before something supernaturally shizzy went down, and seriously girl, we know you hate the be-fanged and all but please give it a rest? Not everything is about you. Marnie says she doesn’t know how she did the flickerface trick to wipe Eric’s mind out, and the coven is all hyperbolic outrage: “He attacked us unprovoked!” and “Don’t we still have freedom of religion in America?” and “What does he think this is, Nazi Germany?” (And if Godwin’s Law were in effect, this show would now be over.)

Lafayette, who’s still got PTSD from being held captive by Eric, tells Tara and Jesus that they should go to Fangtasia, beg Eric’s forgiveness, and throw Marnie under the bus…and since they won’t agree, he does a bunk when they’re not looking and heads to Fangtasia himself. Bad idea, because Eric’s not there, just Pam, and wants to take her aggressions out on someone. When Jesus and Tara show up to save the day, they manage to eke out a deal: 24 hours to deliver Marnie, apparently the only one who can reverse Eric’s condition. And things just got more complicated, since Marnie has been privately trying to rechannel the spirit from the previous night…unsuccessfully at first, but a little blood in a cup and BAM! Flickerface Ghostlady is in the house, and things are about to get ugly.

Holy cats!
Jason Stackhouse is still bleeding, bitten and tied to the dirtiest bed in Hotshot. He slips in and out of consciousness as Timbo and co. chow down on entrails and Grandpa PantherMan tells the assembled were-progeny a whispered origin story about where their kind came from. (All you need to know is this: The panther race came about as part of a deal between “Ghost Daddy” and Nature herself, and they’re now in danger of dying off.) Jason, who has not yet turned into a panther in any obvious way, tells Phil to quit drawing it out and just give him a fast death. Crystal demands that nobody kill Jason. Phil sneers. Whatever, Phil is on permanent sneer. Call us when he does something else.

Jason’s slipping in and out of consciousness; when he comes to again, Crystal is enthusiastically informing him that he’s going to keep their bloodline alive and become the new Ghost Daddy. He begs for a doctor, and she gives him a pill…which turns out to be Mexican Viagra. (Alright, seriously? This girl cannot die in pantherbirth soon enough.) Jason passes out again, only to wake up with Crystal gyrating on top of him, trying to propagate her species the old-fashioned way, and all the inbred pantherkids are watching and it is the unsexiest sex this series has ever shown.

I am the Vampire King, I can do anything
Meanwhile, back at Palace de Bill, the new vampire king is dealing with more PR fallout—this time in the form of some overzealous YouTubers who’ve made it their mission to catch vampires in the act of vamping on humans. Bill, who can’t afford to be soft on crime, sentences one such unlucky fellow to (gasp!) the true death. Sorry, dude, but (say it with us now!), it’s a POST RUSSELL EDGINGTON WORLD. But enough about doomed bloodsuckers: Here’s Jessica! She needs Advil…and advice, because when she was supposed to be fetching painkillers for Hoyt, she was actually de-juicing a fangbanger in the Fangtasia bathroom. She confesses to Bill, who urges her to confess to Hoyt.

“If you love him, you’ll tell the truth,” he says, and you can practically see that last night with Sookie flashing before his eyes. Sad, sad life lessons from Sad King Bill. The two exchange a meaningful look…and somewhere, the vampire Bill sentenced to true death, dies truly. And loudly.

Jess returns home, where Hoyt’s all, “WHERE WERE YOU?” He was worried! And there’s a creepy filthy doll in the house that both of them claim to have thrown out! But they’re not talking about it, because apparently a creepy filthy stalking doll is not as important as Jessica’s confession: “I BIT SOMEONE ELSE.”

Hoyt is pissed, but he’s also assuming that there was sex involved, which you’d think would be a relief when he finds out it was just biting, but instead makes a fairly petty remark about tasting another guy’s blood when he kisses her. Jess says come on, Hoyt looks at other women!

Hoyt responds by screaming, “Other women don’t exist for me!”

And… well, yeah, maybe a better analogy next time? Since this is not just a sex thing, but also an eating thing? (I bet he would have been much more sympathetic if she was all, “What if you only could eat one food for the rest of your life?”) But since her man won’t forgive, Jess does what any self-respecting gal would do: She glamours him into forgetting. Which seems like a good idea? But Hoyt’s expression of mindless smiley submission is so unsettling that I’m thinking this won’t turn out well.

AND WHAT ABOUT THE CREEPY ASS DOLL?????????

Well, anyway.

Bill is alone at a table, leaving a second voicemail for the missing Eric. (Does this mean he didn’t know what the witches would do?) But oh, wait, he’s not alone—here comes Bigcheeks Bellefleur, Attorney at Law. You knew this was coming: She tells him she wants to add sex to their professional relationship, and Bill goes all SUPER SERIOUS. “I could never love you,” he says.

“I accept that,” she says.

“CHECK PLEASE.”

BA DUM CHING!

And finally, some fangin’!
Back in Bon Temps, Sookie finds Eric missing and proceeds to enjoy a quiet evening at home without supernatural interruption PSYCH just kidding. Claudine shows up and begs Sookie to come back to faerieland with her, for her own safety. She reveals that she’s always been there to protect Sook, including adding that extra psychic oomph to the mysterious neck-wrapping chain from a few seasons ago. Sookie asks why she didn’t save her from the vampires; Claudine says she couldn’t risk revealing herself because of what she is; and who knows how this argument might end except WHOOSH, here comes Eric! Is he protecting Sookie from Claudine, or is he just really hungry? Who knows, but he bites the hell out of her, and drained-dry-dead Claudine disappears in a flash of faerie dust.

Sookie yells, “You just killed my fairy godmother!”

BA DUM CHING OH GOD ENOUGH ALREADY.

Are you enjoying amnesiac Eric? Do you think Jason will make it out of Hotshot alive? And what’s up with that doll? Sound off in the comments and on Twitter!