Ryan Reynolds Reveals, ‘I Only Drink Panda Tears’

Seeing as our summer schedule has already been plotted out to allow for multiple viewings of “The Green Lantern”—all for the express purpose of ogling the perfectly perfect shapeliness of Ryan Reynolds’ spandex-clad buttocks—we were fairly delighted when the latest issue of Details showed up at HC headquarters! Because our favorite Canadian is on the cover, and he’s…um, crouching.

Which might look stupid under other circumstances, but apparently, Ryan Reynolds can pop a squat and still make it look sexy.

In his interview with the mag, Ryan’s legendary charm was on full display as he discussed his nationality, his non-genre-specific film career and his split from Scarlett Johansson. Which is to say, he won’t discuss that last one:

“I’ll say this,” he quipped. “The media was not invited to my marriage, and they’re definitely not invited into the divorce.”

Fair enough! We’re happy to skip the breakup and just focus on the part where Ryan Reynolds is single. Because not only is he devastatingly handsome, but he’s widely known to be a generally awesome dude Though according to the man himself, he’s actually got a hidden dark side beneath the winning smile.

“You want to see what I’m like when we turn the tape recorder off?” he asked. “I slit throats, that’s what I do. I only drink panda tears. Do not bring me water. Do not bring me filtered water. I want the tears of a newborn panda, and I will have them—because I’m Ryan Reynolds!”

(We’re pretty sure he’s joking, but we’re sending an intern to go make a baby panda cry. Y’know, just in case.)

But all kidding aside, Ryan’s down-to-earth approach to fame—and film-making—seems to be working in his favor. Of his ability to move from indie to rom-com to action movies and back without ever being typecast, he said, “I’m not declaring nothing, man! I’m getting away with something I’d like to continue getting away with.” And his co-stars have nothing but great things to say about him—from Jason Bateman, who described Ryan as “decent without being a boob,” to Sandra Bullock, who praised his acting ability but also offered some friendly speculation about where he gets all that talent.

Namely, Canada.

“He constantly talks of the healing powers of maple syrup,” she mused. “I don’t know if that’s a Canadian trait, but it’s always uncomfortable when it comes up.”

Uncomfortable? No way, dude. Ryan Reynolds and maple syrup clearly go together…in more ways than one, if you get our meaning.

…What? You mean you don’t have recurring dreams about the Canadian hottie erupting from a bottle labeled “Pure Maple SEXY”?

Er…right. Of course. Neither do we! Carry on, then.

How do you like Ryan’s crouching hottie pose on the cover of Details?