There have been plenty of startling discoveries showcased on "The Vampire Diaries" since its inception: Elena looks EXACTLY like Katherine! The reason she looks EXACTLY like Katherine is because she’s her doppelganger! Being the doppelganger means that her sacrifice is the key to ending a centuries-old supernatural curse! (The complete list would probably take up the entire word limit of this recap!) But only thinly veiled foreshadowing could prepare me for the biggest surprise of the show: "The Vampire Diaries" is actually "Lost."

That’s right, readers. It came as a shock to me, too, but now that I know the truth, I feel so much more equipped to pick out everything that was important in this episode. I also understand why there are illogical breaks in the mythology. Not convinced? Read on.

Klaus/Alaric (or should I say Smoke Monster/John Locke?!)

Basically, Klaus will always be No. 1. Forever and always, in every episode from here on out, in every episode, ever. Klaus is currently chilling in Alaric's body. Kevin Williamson and Julie Plec have at least improved their mythology: Klaus is in Alaric’s body because of a witch’s spell. That is a much better explanation than the Smoke Monster being able to inhabit people’s bodies because he fell into an abyss of light. Now, the Smoke Monster was able to inhabit people’s bodies that were already dead. Is Alaric dead? Should that be obvious? I still don’t know.

Klaus/Alaric

Apparently, Klaus is No. 2, as well. Here’s where the logic of the mythology starts to break down. Klaus is in Alaric’s body (it is so freaking crazy that I can’t stop saying it!), so he does not need to be invited into a house (as all vampires do) because his body is human. This proves to be a brilliant tactic on Klaus’ part. Now that the Salvatores have made Elena the sole owner of their mansion, only she can invite certain guests inside. So Klaus can enter without being invited in, because he’s in a human’s body! Yet Klaus can still compel people, and as an original, he can even compel other vampires, like Katherine, to do whatever he wants them to, like in Kat’s case, stab yourself in the leg 60,000 times. But wait! Klaus is in ALARIC’S body! Getting tired of reading that? Me too. But it’s essential! Because the human body lets him enter any house without needing to be invited in! Which should mean that his body is devoid of all vampire elements! But he can still compel! Does that mean that his body is human, but his eyes are still vampire? That is one tricky spell, witch bitch.

Matt and the Sheriff

You’re boring. I’m over your lame and useless story arc.

Katherine

I am obsessed with you. You were only on this episode for four minutes (or was it seven? I’m still slightly uncertain as to whether it was you or Elena who pulled the dagger out of Elijah at the very end of the episode). WHAT? Wait. WHAT? Yeah. Despite the fact that I knew Elijah was coming back (you shouldn’t put Daniel Gillies in the opening credits if you want us to stay surprised, guys), I still had a mild freak-out.

Bonnie

You died! Holy smokes! But you’re alive! Oh my god! In reality, I totally knew your “death” was a plan. I’m happy that you’re still kicking (and that your emo boyfriend won’t be able to add a third dead girlfriend to his repertoire), but I’m not sure how well your plan went, considering Katherine may have found out at the end, when she or Elena talked to Damon. You see, I was convinced it was Katherine (they talked about duplicity! How clever would that have been!), but then next week’s previews make me think it was Elena. So who knows? Damn, that actress is good at playing the other. Oh, wait.

Klaus

There’s just too much! Katherine’s been copying you for years! Damon’s been copying her for years! You are the prototype of my favorite characters! So, riddle me this, which is arguably the biggest question of the episode: Why are your jokes so lame?! Safari Sam? Calling Elijah a buzz kill? Compelling some girl we’ve never seen before who got more airtime than Caroline to call you hot and initiate a cat-and-mouse game with Elena at the dance? (Oh yeah, there was a dance. At school. I know! Shocking!) Calling Bonnie a "witch bitch"? (Oh, that one’s sort of good.) Being around for way over five centuries should really have given you time to improve your comedy.

OK, so the "Lost" parallels may have, well, gotten a little lost. (Go ahead. Laugh at the bad pun.) But it’s still completely true. Completely.

Until next time: Are you beyond excited to check out next week’s flashback episode, starring Klaus? Are all of our favorite characters safe, or are the spoilers true: Is someone still going to die (or was it just alluding to the Bonnie fake-out)? Who pulled the dagger out of Elijah: Elena or Katherine? And will Klaus get funnier?

Let us know, let us know! We need your opinions, we love your opinions. They complete us. And our comments section. And Twitter. Yay.