'Vampire Diaries' Recap: 'Know Thy Enemy'

by Cassie Title

For the past six weeks, I’ve thought of The CW as my enemy. Why must this network continually take six-week breaks to film? Although I doubt that this question will ever be answered satisfactorily (I can only presume that executives are trying to torture me), the hiatus got me thinking, hence, a confession: I would gladly give up watching any other television show for the rest of my life if I could only watch new episodes of "The Vampire Diaries." I am so confident in this decision that I’m not even embarrassed that the whole internet now knows.

In case you’ve somehow forgotten where things left off in Mystic Falls (I’m not sure how that’s possible, but whatever), or missed those bizarrely creepy previews where Stefan and Damon spoke directly to me (er, I mean you) to catch viewers up to speed, Katherine got out of the tomb and started helping Damon and Stefan keep Elena safe. John and Isobel were supposedly teaming up to do the same. Matt found out why Caroline’s wardrobe suddenly became all leather jackets, all the time, and is not pleased (seriously, will they ever address the fact that leather duds seem to be the only articles of clothing that vampires can wear?). And Isobel showed up on the Gilbert doorstep, unannounced.

There was no theme to this episode. I mean it. It was all about ridiculous things happening to make it so that viewers can’t think about anything else for the entire week leading up to an episode. To prove this, I’m going to list the most important things, so you can see for yourself that there is no uniting factor. Only Klaus. Who is not a theme. A person (or a vampire) cannot be a theme.

1. Isobel’s a shifty character. First she was on Katherine’s side, then she was on Elena’s side, but oh no! (oh yes) she was really on Klaus’ side. Isobel outsmarted both John and Katherine (not an easy feat.) She had been searching for Klaus, and claimed to find nothing but rumors that the doppelganger is alive, and all vampires wanting to get in good with Klaus (read: basically every vampire) will be lining up to find Elena. While this was probably true (except it wasn’t a huge reveal, considering our trio found this out in the episode in which Slater died), Isobel was lying about not finding Klaus. She told Katherine (how awkward is it that the pair act like best friends?) that she found a witch in Klaus’ inner circle who told her that Katherine would be safe from the originals' wrath: as long as Klaus got the moonstone and the doppelganger, he’d be happy. But in the end, it turned out that Isobel had indeed found Klaus—and had been compelled by him, no less. She kidnapped Elena, helped Klaus trap Katherine and then let Elena go free. And all of this happened right before she took off her day jewelry, effectively setting her on fire. It was a tad dramatic, but got the job done: Isobel’s dead. And I’m pissed. There was so much more to her story that I feel entitled to know.

2. I care far too much about Katherine. Sure, she’s a sneaky bitch, (she stole the moonstone and some money from the Salvatores, which makes no sense because when have you ever seen a vampire use money? That’s right. Never) but Katherine got trapped in a freaky house with Klaus, and all I can think about is whether she’s going to be all right. I mean, the girl woke up from a warlock-induced pain session, only to see some crazy voodoo spell going on which somehow put Klaus in Alaric’s body. Yes, you read that right. Klaus is now possessing Alaric’s body. I should be worrying about whether Alaric’s going to be okay, how Isobel was the worst person alive for betraying both the man she loved and the daughter she gave birth to, and Matt Davis’ disturbing German(?) accent, but all I can think about is the fact that if Katherine dies I will never be able to watch this show again.

3. Bonnie’s in serious trouble. She, Damon and Jeremy visited the house where all of the witches died, and she was able to harness some of their power. The only problem? If she performs the spell needed to kill Klaus, it will take all of the power of the dead witches—and possibly her life. Will Bonnie be the next casualty in Mystic Falls?

4. Matt’s incredibly annoying. I know I’m supposed to care about the fact that Matt asked Caroline to compel him so he could forget that she’s a vampire, but in reality he drank vervain and has teamed up with her sheriff mother to find out everything, but I honestly don’t. With all of the supernatural shenanigans going on, I can’t imagine Sheriff Forbes and Matt causing that much trouble for our favorite characters.

5. We’re supposed to like John now. Apparently, he cares about Elena. He trusted Isobel because he loved her and he saw how much she loved Elena when she was still human. So, Elena told him he could stick around. Halfway heartwarming.

See? There was no theme. Except maybe treachery. Or loyalty. Or enemies. Oh, right.

Anyway, what did you think? Is Jenna going to have a real storyline now that she met Isobel? What the heck is going to happen with Klaus in Alaric’s body? Will Bonnie survive? What are Sheriff Forbes and Matt planning? Is Katherine going to be okay? And are you excited for next week’s '60s dance? Tell us in the comments below!