Taylor Swift Turns 21: We Make A List Of Perfect Presents

Taylor Swift loves to sing about heartbreak, longing and loneliness—but right now, the only thing dripping on her guitar should be champagne. The country starlet celebrates her 21st birthday today, closing the door on her underage status and celebrating a year that’s been professionally and personally rewarding across the board.

Taylor tweeted last night that she and her pals were celebrating with a candle-adorned midnight pizza, and she’s got no shortage of friends, family and admiring fans to wish her many happy returns. But when it comes to picking out her presents, they could probably use a few inspired ideas… which is why we’re proud to present Taylor Swift’s Ultimate Birthday Wishlist (Completely Fabricated By Someone Who Does Not Actually Know Her, But Whatever). Which five gifts would make Taylor’s 21st her happiest birthday ever? How about…

1. A news release announcing that Joe Jonas (whose relationship with Taylor is rumored to have inspired one of her legendary post-breakup songs) is retiring from public life due to male pattern baldness.

2. A waterproof guitar, guaranteed to last through all of Taylor’s late-night songwriting and sobbing sessions.

3. The chance to interrupt Kanye during his anticipated win at the upcoming Grammy Awards. (“I’m sorry Kanye, and Imma let you finish… but Ludacris had the greatest rap solo performance of ALL TIME!”)

4. Covergirl status in any magazine that hasn’t featured her yet… which, at this point, is pretty much down to “Ladies Home Journal,” “Hunting & Fishing” and “Dentistry Today.” But still!

5. A big, beautiful birthday cake…with a big, beautiful Jake Gyllenhaal hidden inside, ready to jump out wearing nothing but a smile and a few strategically-placed frosting roses.

What would you put on Taylor’s birthday wishlist? Tell us in the comments! And don’t forget to follow writer Kat Rosenfield on Twitter, too.