Four Fangs Up To New Book ‘Vampire Taxonomy’ For Teaching Us How To Date A Bloodsucker

By Kara Warner

Attention Vampire fanatics: For those looking to fill the void before “New Moon” opens, the next season of “True Blood” and “The Vampire Diaries” latest episode, check out “Vampire Taxonomy: Identifying and Interacting with the Modern-Day Bloodsucker,” by Meredith Woerner. One part witty how-to interaction guide and two parts vampire glossary, this book is a humorous, yet authoritative look at pop culture’s current fixation on all things fang-tastic.

“Taxonomy” begins with an overview of vampire origins, and then delves right into the gory detail of five definitive vampire types: Romantic (aka Edward Cullen, Bill Compton — see an illustration after the jump), Villainous (Count Orlok, Dracula), Tragic (Angel, Jasper Cullen), Halfies (Blade). We like the Tragic vamps best, in large part due to an adolescent crush on “Buffy” heartthrob Angel (it wasn’t the same after he left!), and also because we are suckers for those tortured souls. Er, tortured soul-less? Ha. Who knew there were so many puns to be had in writing about vampires? Anyway, moving on…

Our favorite part of the book lies in Chapter 8: “Living in an Undead World, Real-life Applications,” in which Woerner lays out ground rules for dating a vampire, how to survive an attack, and some handy self-defense moves.

To wit, the “Eight Steps to a Safe Vampire Relationship” :
1. Determine whether its love, lust or possession, (“… Suss out whether what you’re feeling is the real deal or merely the aftereffects of a fang-gasm”)
2. Know whats on the menu (“Do not date a non-vegan vamp”)
3. Guess who’s coming to dinner? (“When dating a vampire you will meet both humans and vamps who will look down on your union … be prepared for both sets of prejudices”)
4. Set boundaries
5. Become vampire correct
6. Be explicitly honest (“A vampire in love is a dangerous thing if you are not clear and concise with all of your intentions and interactions”)
7. Give and take (“You’re going to have to give up some of your sunny days in trade for a healthy relationship”)
8. Never drop your guard

“Vampire Taxonomy” is available now on amazon.com!