Fashion Fanfic: Jaden Smith Decides The Kimye Wedding Is The Perfect Time To Become Batman

Joe Francis, Jaden Smith and Kourtney Kardashian at Kimye’s Wedding Reception
Photo: Joe Francis Instagram

By now, the Kimye wedding guests have dispersed to their own homes, continuing vacation villas, or somewhere in the South of France. Kim and Kanye are officially husband and wife, the wedding was allegedly magnifique, the speeches moving, and the emotion overwhelming. The bride, groom, and baby Nori wore custom Givenchy. And Jaden Smith? He wore a white Batman outfit. Maybe he only wore it at the reception, but we like to think of him sitting politely in his seat during the wedding ceremony… as Batman. This calls for a new installment of Fashion Fanfic!

Jaden Smith smiles warmly as several guests stand, allowing him to move to his seat. “I’m so sorry,” he says as he brushes against Chrissy Teigen. He nods towards John Legend: “So nice to see you.” He doesn’t really mean it though. Indeed, Jaden was raised to interact with the strictest of manners, but truthfully he couldn’t care less if people thought he was polite. He had bigger things to think about.

The 15-year-old self-proclaimed intellectual (he considered himself to be highly evolved) settled into his seat and observed his surroundings. An orchestral version of “All of the Lights” was softly permeating the air. For a moment he wished that Kylie was beside him; he would dramatically glance in her direction and wait for her reaction. They could always read each other’s thoughts, because they were spiritually connected through time and space as well as at least two previous lives. Right now he was thinking, Patterns Emerge In Stride With The Day To Day, But Marriage Is A Construct That Breaks The Sequence Of Beauty. Kylie would scoff, but it was only because he knew she wanted to get married one day.

Jaden shifted his position, trying to look as nonchalant as possible. He sensed the bag underneath the drape of his designated seat, where the final touches of his outfit were previously stashed out of sight. He smiled to himself, knowing the joy it would bring him to complete the ensemble. “Happiness Is A Figment Of Marketers’ Imagination, But Elation Comes From Within,” he thought. If The Man hadn’t taken away his phone, he would have tweeted that immediately.

It’s not like anyone would know that his outfit was incomplete. He looked dapper as f***. Crisp ivory pants and a custom-tailored matching two-button jacket accentuated his slim physique. The fingerless gloves could have been considered a hint of what was to come, but honestly just made him look like a gentleman. It was the outfit that Florence deserved. It was the outfit this wedding deserved. But It Was Not Yet The Outfit He Deserved.

The ambient music was silenced and the small crowd became quiet. There was an energy surrounding Jaden that he could cut with a knife, if he hadn’t placed a moratorium on knives three weeks ago. As bae made her grand entrance, kicking off the wedding procession in a white crepe floor-length gown, Jaden grinned. It wasn’t entirely because his girl looked so bangin’ (which she did), but also because he remembered what she said that morning as she kissed him good-bye. “Always a bridesmaid!” she giggled, knowing full well that she’d only been a bridesmaid once before. “Practice Makes Robots. Perfection Is A Lie,” he called after her as she shut the hotel room door.

Jaden Smith at Kimye’s Wedding Reception
Photo: @clydehairgod

Kendall was next. The crowd heaved a murmuring sigh and Jaden rolled his eyes. True Freedom Is A Partnership Without Borders, he mused. His eyes wandered to the floor. Was it time? No. Not yet. He thought about the moment; slyly reaching for the bag and lifting out the ivory cape. Wrapping his shoulders and feeling the weight of the armor. Grasping the piece de resistance, the custom-fitted caped crusader mask, and slowly pulling it over his eyes. Would he speak? No. Only a fool would speak. Still, he couldn’t help chuckling at the thought of the bride and groom saying their vows. “Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?” “SWEAR TO ME!!” Jaden would yell from his chair. He laughed again—a little louder this time—but quickly stopped, scolding himself for being so basic.

By now, Kourtney was finishing her walk up the aisle and the crowd stood. The perfect opportunity. As the swell of the wedding march filled the air, Jaden quickly reached under his seat. He threw the cape around his neck, then paused. The timing had to be just right for the mask. Jaden took a moment to earnestly admire Kim’s Givenchy gown. TISCI IS A MAD GENIUS. RESPECT…, he thought. For a moment he wished his own ensemble included sheer paneling.

Jaden could see Kanye’s smile, brighter than the sun. Mama Kris was dabbing her eyes. The crowd was alive with an appreciative whisper. He looked at Kylie, who turned her head and raised an eyebrow. “You’re such an idiot,” she said to him telepathically. “Do it now.”

The music stopped. Jaden pulled on the mask. The crowd settled into their seats. Jaden stood on top of his. Several heads turned slowly towards him, then at once in unison. They were shocked and puzzled to see an ivory Batman in their midst. Jaden clapped. Once. Twice. Thrice. Four times. Five. Slowly. Then he gestured grandly towards the wedding party, as if granting them permission to continue. Then he sat in his seat.

Jaden could see that Kylie was doing everything in her power not to laugh. Kim, who was used to his pranks, had to close her gaping jaw before turning to pretend it never happened. But Kanye’s face—the pearly smile lost—stared brusquely in his direction. Jaden couldn’t help but think that maybe, just maybe, Uncle ’Ye was a little jealous.

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