*synth bass line*
Photo: Getty Images
Hey readers, here’s another round of Fashion Fanfic. In this installment of fantasy celebrity conversations, we find Jerry Seinfeld, along with the rest of the Seinfeld crew (Jason Alexander, Michael Richards, and Julia Louis-Dreyfus), at the iconic Tom’s Restaurant discussing exactly what is the deal with “normcore” and how a fashion movement about nothing is kind of something. Here’s how we think it went down.
Jerry sat down at his usual booth at Monk’s Cafe, no, that wasn’t right, at Tom’s Restaurant, located on the corner of West 112th Street and Broadway in Morningside Heights. He sometimes had to mentally correct himself and distinguish between reality and a passing facsimile of reality, even if it was loosely based on his own reality. Sometimes, it got so confusing. “What was the deal with—” began his inner monologue before he heard the door open, and spotted Jason Alexander’s bald head in the doorway.
They hadn’t seen each other since filming a promo and an episode for “Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee,” which some had speculated would be an official Seinfeld reunion. Sadly, that was not to be. However, it was nice to get the gang together when in town. Julia Louis-Dreyfus was rumored to possibly show up to join them, now that she had finished filming season three of Veep. No one had seen Michael Richards for years.
“Come on, sit down.”
“What is this? You’re in a mood.”
Before they got into it, a waitress came over to pour them cups of coffee, thankfully. That was until Jason announced he was drinking herbal tea now.
“You’re drinking tea? What about coffee?”
“I’m eating clean now. Coffee, tea, it’s the same thing.”
“Drinking tea is not the same as drinking coffee.”
“We’re both drinking beverages. They’re both hot, there’s steam in both cups, who’s to know?”
“I KNOW. I just saw you order tea.”
“What do you care?”
“It’s like if I asked you to go out to a Chinese buffet, and you’re eating a slice of pizza. It’s not the same mood. The mood is different. It’s a different mood.”
“I’m consciously uncoupling myself from coffee and processed foods.”
“You’re consciously uncoupling yourself? That’s not a real thing.”
“It is according to Goop.”
As their voices were reaching a crescendo, and everyone in the diner had turned their attention to the two who were now very loudly voicing their opinions regarding tea versus coffee, a slim brunette had quietly, almost imperceptibly slid herself into their booth next to Jerry. It was Julia.
“Have you read this?” she asked throwing her iPad down on the table. “Read what?” Jerry asked, puzzled and a little lost now that he was off track from his previous argument with Jason. “You are in The Cut“, she answered. Not fully understanding what she had meant, “The Cut? Cut from what?,” Jerry inquired again.
“You,” she said jabbing Jerry in the chest, painfully with each word, “are in The Cut.” “You” (jab) “are” (jab) “norm” (jab) “core.”
“Uh huh,” interjected Jason. “This again?!” Jerry exclaimed. “What is the deal with normcore?!”
“It’s freedom, Jerry!” yelled a voice from the opposite side of the diner. Three heads swiveled around and saw that it was Michael Richards climbing over tables and chairs, while the other patrons were quietly trying to ignore the 6’3″ man causing a scene and knocking over their plates (if he hadn’t already stepped on their stack of buttermilk short stacks, cheese omelets and dry toast). “It’s the liberty of being freed from the captivity of labels, by embracing sameness. It’s a release from the cult of exclusivity and authenticity, it’s letting go by being new via a blank canvas.”
“Uh huh,” huffed Jason. “So, what does normcore look like? And what does it have to do with me?” Jerry asked. This time, Elaine answered with “It’s you. It’s how you dressed, like how you’ve always dressed, how you’re dressed right now in fact,” now eyeballing his relaxed denim jeans, cotton jersey sweatshirt, and white sneakers.
By this time, Jerry was holding the bridge of his nose with his thumb and forefingers, his face a visible grimace. Right now, the idea of just leaving Monk’s— no, Tom’s sounded like a fantastic idea. And the thought of buying new white sneakers seemed calm and serene. “Serenity now,” he mumbled. “Can’t we just talk about the weather instead of me being a fashion icon? You know March entering like a lion, and leaving like a much smaller lion?”
And just like that, it began to snow.
*synth bass line*
Photo: Getty Images