Yeezy’s all on ya sofa, dese da Red Octobers
SOOOOOO-PRISE! While you were chugging mimosas, Nike shock-dropped the Air Yeezy 2 “Red Octobers” at 1 p.m. EST on Sunday (February 9). With no warning, those rapscallions announced the release via Twitter. To which the world said, “SHUT UP AND TAKE OUR MONEY.”
The shoes reportedly sold out in 11 minutes. (That’s how long it took for the “it’s ova” tweet to appear.) Any turkeys lucky enough to be paying attention were able to yoink pairs for a sensible $245 bucks each. Sneakerheads who were caught off guard could now pay upwards of $5,000, judging by the current “buy it now” prices on eBay. But buyer beware: Fake Red Octobers have been floating around for months!
This stunt was so unexpected that many oblivious sneakerheads were likely in the midst of some chill weekend business during that frantic 11-minute window. Here are some examples of extremely Sundayish things you may have been doing while Nike sneakily sold out of Red Octobers:
1. Listening to “Bound 2,” then “Monster,” then 0:52 seconds of “Bound 2″ again.
Uh huh honey
2. Waiting for a pot of water to a boil. It boiled, and then you dumped in some macaroni.
3. Using all five Candy Crush lives because you’re stuck on one of those dadgum “bring all ingredients to the bottom” levels.
4. Receiving a mysterious phone call that demanded you to look out your window immediately. You did. Giant chalk letters read, “COME WITH ME IF YOU WANT TO LIVE.” You hesitated because going outside meant putting on a bra, scarf, etc. Also, it seemed dangerous, but you didn’t really over-think it. But first you had to wash your face because, duh. Eight minutes later you were on the curb and a car screeched to a halt beside you. A gloved hand reached through a tinted window and handed you a golden key. Attached to the key was a note that said… (At this point, 11 minutes have passed and the Red Octobers are gone forever. Ending is moot.)
Why would you do that?
6. Asking your server for the bill because you wanted to make the 1:30 p.m. showing of The Lego Movie. Checked Twitter while your friend ducked to the ladies room, but didn’t see the Nike tweet because you were just pretending to read anyway. Homegirl returned from the loo, and you realized you still needed the bill.
7. Helping your mom install Flappy Bird because her friend Jean said she should download it before it was gone forever. She thought she was so smart for being on the cutting edge of digital trends, but you silently laughed to yourself, knowing that her life was about to be ruined by a stupid bird.
8. Sorting your laundry into three piles, then putting on your flip flops to go to the laundry room. Realized you were out of laundry detergent. Productivity attempt was all in vain; acquiesced to defeat and checked Instagram.
9. Reading eight pages of Divergent. (You’re a pretty fast reader, so.)
I’m pretty good at everything
10. Dreaming about marshmallow burritos, which is weird because you don’t really like marshmallows or burritos. Does it mean anything? Does the combination symbolically represent a large inheritance? Anyway, you were still sleeping at 1 p.m. because you stayed out till 5 a.m. and, oh right—probably dreamed about burritos because your friend Rick bought one at 7/11 before you got into separate cabs. Which was really too bad because Rick was looking fine last night.
11. Waiting in the dressing room line at Target to try on somma dat Peter Pilotto collab. Floral-print pants didn’t fit. You cursed silently.
God, what a nutty end to a sneaker saga for the history books. (Recap: Kanye West leaves Nike for Adidas before his Red Octobers are released –> world wonders what will happen to the shoes –> Nike pulls above stunt.) Now that the dust has settled, let’s all put on our anticipation hats for Kanye’s upcoming Adidas collaboration.