An Open Letter To Robert Pattinson’s New Goatee

Robert Pattinson and his new goatee at the 6th Annual Go Go Gala.
Photo: Getty Images

Dear Robert Pattinson’s New Goatee,

Look, I know we don’t really know each other that well, but I’ve got a bone to pick with you, sir. You’re new around here, I get that. But first impressions are hard to change and my first impression of you and your finely-tuned shape is, well, not great. I don’t necessarily want to make you feel unwelcome, but like, what exactly are you doing on R. Patz’s face? Why are you here? What is your purpose?

The unkempt beard was one thing. That, we could at least relate to—because TBH, shaving (your face, legs, etc.) can be a total time suck and sometimes it’s just SO much easier to let your follicles run free for a while, you know? Also, I don’t believe for a minute that you’re around for a role, so don’t try to play that card with me. As far as I’m concerned, ~all~ characters can be conquered by a prosthetic facial piece. I mean, you saw Tom Hanks in Castaway, right? There is no way that man grew a curly blond beard on his own.

Photo: Getty Images

Hold up: are you here to keep Rob focused on his career? Because with you around, he definitely won’t be getting distracted by the ladies. I can appreciate that you want to see him succeed, but I just don’t know that you’re the right man for the job. He’d be better off with, like, his trusty 5 o’clock shadow or something. I’m not suggesting that he go totally bare-skinned and baby-faced circa 2005 (after all, it IS winter), but 2010 and 2011 were good years in facial hair—why not just go with what we know?

Listen, I’m sorry, I hate to have to make this personal, but I just canNOT get down with your style, bro. It’s really rubbing me the wrong way. You’re actually making me kind of uncomfortable, which is pretty hard to do because I’ve seen a LOT of Miley Cyrus. But seriously, could you stop looking at me like that? My eyes are up here, buddy.


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