Miley Cyrus in Berlin on July 23.
Photo: Splash News
Oh hay, Miles! I hope you don’t mind me calling you that. It’s your girl Chrissy. Just wanted to say that I totally saw you filming a TV interview in Berlin yesterday (no, not in real life, Miles! I saw pap shots. I’m not that much of a stalker, hehe), and I noticed you were wearing a long sleeve black leather dress in 80-degree weather. (I know the temp because I Googled it, hehe.) And listen, I get it—it’s Jitrois, it’s 100% real lambskin, it’s $3,000, and it fits you like a freakin’ glove, but, Miles, it’s July. Like, not even the beginning of the month where you’re just getting the hang of this whole ~summer~ thing. It’s near the end. We’re even closer to August (the hottest month of the freaking YEAR), and you’re swimming in all that leathery stuff like it’s NBD.
To be totally honest, Miles, since we’re BFFs and all, it kind of makes me uncomfortable just looking at you. Like, I know you have 0% body fat and short hair so you don’t have that whole damp, rain forest-like neck situation that us long-haired folks have to deal with on a daily basis, but I can’t help but think of all the sweating I’d do (particularly in the upper lip region) if I was wearing that right now. And Miles, you’re squinting, meaning it’s probably even hotter than it looks. From what I can tell, you don’t even have a GLIMMER of sweat on your skin, which means either you doused your entire body in antiperspirant or are a cyborg. (And, like, I really hope it’s not the latter because Sci-Fi is not my favorite movie genre :( ) I also just want to note that you’re wearing killer Celine stilettos, which add an extra layer of effort to this not-summer-ready ensemble, and I think that you should stop putting false hopes in people’s minds that this is feasible July outfit. Like, think about the rest of us, Miles. The normies. With long hair. And not 0% body fat. You looking THIS good in a leather dress in July needs to come with a disclaimer. That’s all we’re asking. Cool, Miles? Thanks. Love you, girl. XOXO, Chrissy