“70 is the new 50.”
Photo: @GeraldoRivera Twitter
On Saturday night, mustachioed television host and noisy Republican, Geraldo Rivera, took to Twitter to announce that “70 is the new 50.” To emphasize his point, he posted a selfie of himself clad in a towel slung so low on his hips that you can see his “D’Angelo muscles,” which is to say you can see his obliques. Witnessing this particular #OOTD (outfit of the day) is eighteen-million types of alarming and one of those things you can’t unsee.
If you have no idea what I’m talking about because I’m just “mashing together some names you’ve heard your mom say” it’s because prior to this moment you gave not one F about this Geraldo dude (if it’s the same case for D’Angelo, you should study up he’s VERY good). The cheat-sheet is that he’s been married 5 times, has been to Iraq 11 times as a war correspondent and once famously humiliated himself on live television in the late-80s when he claimed to have discovered the vault containing Al Capone’s treasures and then cracked it open to find some dirty old bottles. If you follow any Old People, you will see variations of this joke in your timeline.
So anyway, this guy of all guys, apropos of nothing, decided to get his coy shirtless selfie on for a weekend peepshow to his 42K followers. Let’s get one thing straight: He looks great. This man clearly only eats ancient grains, leafy vegetables, unprocessed sugars and lean protein. Geraldo Rivera probably juices and eats a GANG of kale. If I made a series of very specific choices that led me to peep Geraldo Rivera’s nude torso and trail in nature, I’d be like, ’Oh snap, this is less painful than I had anticipated’ since he doesn’t look like Jack Nicholson eating a ham sandwich on a speed boat. All in all though, it’s much more a question of Twitter etiquette. I don’t need to see a Geraldo selfie ever. Maybe if he were dancing around in an animal-themed onesie but even then I’d wonder why he got so social-thirsty all of a sudden.
I’m not trying to be hideously agist. I would bathe in virgin blood to look like Helen Mirren in a bikini in my thirties but the key distinction between Mirren at 67 and Rivera at 70 is that Mirren is AT THE BEACH when we PAPARAZZI-SPY on her in a bikini. She’s not trolling my phone late at night with a septuagenarian show-off selfie. Jon Hamm didn’t selfie his leg ham if you get my meaning. If 70 is the new 50, please know that I do not want to see a grown-man selfie at 50, 60 or 70. Truly. It’s even eye-rolly as HELL at 30 or 40, let’s be honest. Rivera-Rolling should def be the new Rick-Rolling and it’s brilliant as a sight gag and internet punchline but we need rules. If you can’t figure out how to counter-clockwise quarter-turn a photo from your BlackBerry in post, then please do not naked selfie for public consumption.