Would You Wear These Puddle Pants?

Gareth Pugh black silk flared train runway trousers.

I fully recognize that “puddle pants” is not the official name for this garment. According to SSENSE, the given name of this Gareth Pugh creation is “black silk flared train runway trousers,” a.k.a. A MOUTHFUL, a.k.a. I’m still going to refer to them as puddle pants. Obviously, this name is way shorter, but also, I think this more accurately captures the essence of these trousers. That is, the hem of your pants are puddling at your feet. You’re standing in a puddle of pants. No disrespect to Pugh at all. Generally, I love his design aesthetic—a kind of starkly gothic futurism that is just so brain-pettingly wonderful to look at—but from a logistical, you know, walking standpoint, I can’t help but mentally play the YouTube supercut of me face-planting after EVERY step each time I look at these pants.

Perhaps there is some magical breed of dream girl in this world who can pull off wearing these without breaking her face in the process (Fact: there is at least one, and her name is Aline Weber), but consider me most definitely NOT a member of that elite tier of human. Being that I am completely neurotic and over-analyze every situation, person, and object that I cross paths with, it’s not JUST the potential bodily harm that deters me from these pants. Oh no. There is a whole HOST of other varieties of damage associated with these puddle pants that send my heart rate spiking.

According to SSENSE, these things are constructed of 100% silk. Sure, it sounds gorgeous and luxurious, but it ALSO means that on top of being dry clean only (UGH!), VPL is imminent. The other thing is: the cost. Being that these are high fashion, phresh out the runway togs, they’re obviously going to put you back a pretty penny. 247,500 pennies (or $2,475.00) to be exact. BUH. Any article of clothing this expensive demands to be taken care of, but with all that dragging, floor-grazing fabric, how can you ever wear these anywhere without them inadvertently doubling as a kind of Swiffer system. *shudders at the thought of bringing home stowaway dust bunnies and assorted street trash* But maybe that’s just me. What do you think? Would you wear these puddle pants?

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