RuPaul in her episode 4 runway dress.
The aftermath! After last week’s RuPaul’s Drag Race All-Stars upset elimination of fan fave Team Latrila, the queens’ cockles are up, and we think the TV Guide needs to recategorize this show from “reality” to “tragedrama.” From jump, Team Yarlexis was salty for all the shade the ladies threw their way and seemed as determined as ever—but so did everyone else. Stakes is high. Be still our hearts.
This week was the “reading” mini-challenge, in which the queens have to tell their counterparts what time it is, and how they’re failing. Usually the best part of Drag Race, the way it was configured this week illuminated the shortcomings of All-Stars. Rather than a regular read, the teams were compelled to cheer their disses in unison, which takes out the entire point of reading: timing and wit. In their efforts to distinguish All-Stars from the rest of the series (and not make the queens repeat stunts they’ve already done), the producers rearranged what makes the show great in the first place. Not that we’re not living for All-Stars, because gag me with a silver stiletto, baby, but by the show’s very nature it’s hard to repeat contestants and yet not alter the basic structure.
Tiny complaints, though, when the remaining teams were challenged to form the ultimate girl group and sing one of Ru’s hits with three celebrities—Kelly Osbourne, Jillian Hervey (singer/dancer/actor Vanessa Williams’ seed), and Kady Z (aspiring pop singer, daughter of Pia Zadora, ’80s actor). Team Shad got Jillian and the appropriate Ru track, “Glamazon,” considering Jillian is a piece of weeerrrrk. (Even judge/goddess/life idol Rosie Perez said, “I could smack that a** for days.”) Kady Z went to Team Rujube and “Don’t Be Jealous of My Boogie,” while Team Yarlexis paired up with Kelly Osbourne and LIFE WAS BORN.
Team Yarlexis practicing their routine with Kelly Osbourne.
Now. All of these ladies are bad Bs in their own ways. But the trio of Alexis Mateo, Yara Sofia, and Kelly Osbourne was everything: Kelly asked Alexis to sew her an ensemble with sleeves cause she hates her flabby arms, and Alexis confided in Kelly that she and Yara are experiencing xenophobic shade by the other girls for their not-perfect (but not bad!) English, and they weren’t in tears but we were. And they were perfectly matching in pastels, Kelly’s baby pink hair offsetting Yara’s coordinated magenta scarf-dye job and “Escandalo” tee, with Alexis in an aqua stripey mom cardigan, the cutest triple ever. Can they get gay-polygamy married? Can we DJ their wedding?
Team Yarlexis and Kelly Osbourne’s runway routine.
Then Kelly said she was realizing a dream and that she’d always wanted to be a queen, and they decided to vogue in the choreography (old-way vogue, the style people were doing when “Cover Girl” dropped in the ’90s). They dressed Jem & the Holograms realness, their hair peacocking in banana clips and pink sequins and fishnet shrugs, Kelly in a little teddy. Also, when Yarlexis were doing Kelly’s makeup, she goes, “I have the jaw of a body builder. People always tell me I’m fat and have a big jaw and I’m like, I know.” Cut to Alexis: “I am very surprised when Kelly told me she was bullied when she was little. She’s not even gay!” Screw the trio wedding, can we marry them all?
Team Shad’s runway look.
And yet, they just set us up for an even bigger heartbreak. Ru arrived at judging in a blue sequin gown with sheer black panels that even Stella McCartney would fear and big, blown out Tina Turner/Beyonce hair, keeping with the girl group theme (the other guest judge was goddess Supreme Mary Williams, hallelu hallelu). Team Shad worked it as the Savage Sisters in leopard lame, looking like true glamazons, although the thing I am not loving about Shannel is that she tends to lean Dynasty drag–big hair, ’80s gaudy—Santino told her she looked like Elvis, sweet baby hayzeus! Whereas Chad’s retro goes into a sleeker, Studio 54 thing that never fails. (Also: CRIMPED wig. Somebody tried to revive crimping a couple years ago, right? Can we try it again? [Ed note: Yes!] It’s complicated, but there’s something fierce about purposely making your hair look like a Belgian waffle.)
Team Rujube’s runway look.
Team Rujube emerged with Kady (who prissily spurned drag make-up and deserves a national side-eye) in Bad Girls Club looks, tons of dark sparkles and sequins and Raven, if you’re reading this, never NOT wear a hot pant, your legs are ridonkulous. The judging was bananas, but in the end, somehow Team Shad escaped the guillotine. Raven and Alexis faced off to Pussycat Dolls’ “Dontcha,” and Raven purred like a sex kitten. Even after Yara slammed the emergency bell to sub in her own lip sync, there was not a chance. By the end, Raven was in bra and panties and Yarlexis were on their way home. Kelly Osbourne and her pixie pink hair were verklempt. It’s only going to get harder. TRAGE. DRAMA.
Kelly Osbourne’s sadness at Yarlexis’ loss