Zac Efron Makes Me Feel Like A Dirty Old Woman

Zac Efron

Zac Efron on the cover of "Men's Health."
Photo: Courtesy of Men's Health's Facebook

It's unsurprising that Zac Efron is on the cover of Men's Health. The magazine is pretty straightforward and their covers always feature a 3/4-length shot of some guy being all clenched, taut and suitably ripped. It's the sort of thing that Chris Hemsworth would do. Or either Taylor (Kitsch or Lautner). Everybody has 2% body fat and that's cute for them. It's a pectoral festival.

For the most part though, they're pretty easy to ignore. They're not my jam (the coverlines are lulz). EXCEPT THAT MAYBE THIS ONE IS VERY MY JAM. Why does Zac Efron look so... so beautiful here? Like, what IS THAT enormous muscle ripple on his arm that looks like a giant, cartoon spermatozoa that's rising at least an inch and a half in relief? Hmm... that sounds horribly suggestive and I guess that's my point. I am appalled at how attracted to him I am. It's allowed for you guys to lust after this guy, you're all tiny babies born in the '80s and '90s. I remember Zac Efron WHEN HE WAS A CHILD. It was not that long ago. At least as a ratio of my years :(

He just voiced a 12-year-old in 'The Lorax' for crying out loud. And while very young women frequently grace fashion magazine covers, it's almost easier to suspend disbelief because they're playing a very stylized dress up. Not. So. Here. It's just a V-neck and blue jeans. It's virtually impossible not to notice the tightness of the tee in the armpit/bulging bicep region and the general topography of dude's chesticles.

Basically, I am DELIBERATELY not going to look at pictures of him anymore. This has flipped a switch and now I can't just appreciate his twill trousers, spread-collar shirts and sleek grey suits + sunnies outfits that make him look like a young David Beckham. It all now harbors inappropriate lustful feelings. Plus, the guy's mesmerizing, bedroomy eyes totally know what you're thinking. When the hell did this tweenybopping Disney child gain so much wisdom? This, and the "condom drop" freaks me out and I WILL NOT BE A PARTY TO THIS.

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