Super Sexy Prom Dresses Are Boring

Three prom dresses from Prom Girl.
Photo: Courtesy of Prom Girl

Did you guys read the WSJ article a couple days ago about how high schools are cracking down on dress codes for prom with intricate Power Point presentations and nifty little tricks like using your hand and your collarbone to deduce whether or not you’re revealing too much boobage (the exact words are as follows: To deal with cleavage, the dress code asks girls to place the index finger on one side of the collarbone and the thumb on the other. “If any skin shows beneath your hand…your dress is too low-cut.”)? It sounds insane and alarmist and conjures all sorts of images of stuffed-shirt administrators mouth-breathing and getting slap-happy with rulers and getting their foppish feathers ruffled over NOTHING. But then, um, I clicked on some of the questionable dresses and they legit bum me out. Is this real and totally a thing? Do high school-age ladies really want to dress like they’re on “Dancing With The Stars?” Because: yikes.

I mean, come on, the banned dresses are SO Australian coming-of-age movie that’s heavy-handed, campy, and skantabulous that I’m surprised they’re the object of admiration without any hint of irony. I actually think a well-placed cutout is awesome (see: Taylor Swift’s J. Mendel or Jennifer Lawrence’s Prabal Gurung) and even an outright bared midriff can be pulled off à la Miley Cyrus’ recent Pucci two-piece or Selena Gomez’s Dolce & Gabbana skirt and ’50s bralette, but these looks are so stylized and demure in either length or delivery that they avoid looking tawdry. Not so with the above dresses, two of which have “sexy” in the description and all of which come from a popular site and belong on the body of either a circus performer or a 43-year-old divorcée who also happens to be a citizen of Panem. It’s all way too much.

I know this post feels like some dusty-ass cobwebby dispatch from some old-lady crypt of completely out-of-touchness, and obviously ya’ll can do whatever you want and dress in the manner in which you feel best. But looking at photos of Editorial Assistant Gaby at her prom (LOL braces) and Assistant Editor Chrissy at her prom (obvi chick’s nails are immaculate) also reminds me that high school prom is your first real fashion challenge and I mostly just want you (because these pictures remind me that y’all are frickin baby-faced and ADORABLE at this age *coughs up a small tumbleweed and a penny from 1848*) to look awesome and unique and dorky and weird and not just “sexy skewing on slutty” because that’s boring. Plus, you’ve got an entire lifetime of Halloweens to be a scantily clad maniac in some sexified costume. Work through that ish laaaaaaaaaaaaaaater.

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