Rachel Bilson in her “Call Me Doctor” rap video.
Photo: Courtesy of Funny or Die
Rachel Bilson oozes high-fashion meets girl-next-door appeal, and if you’ve watched her on TV (Hart of Dixie, anyone?) she’s HARDLY a mean girl. In fact, she’s kinda, really, super adorbs. Like, ALL the time. So much, in fact, that Karl Lagerfeld even calls her one of his muses. But today Rachel released a Funny or Die music video called “Call Me Doctor” in which she ditches her sweet persona for a badass rapper who drops F bombs, disses former onscreen bestie Mischa Barton, and sports grills. This parody TOTALLY reminds us of Natalie Portman’s Saturday Night Live Digital Short rap video except Rachel’s involves WAY more fashion and WAY less swearing. (We gotta give it up for N Ports in that KILLER performance, though. *slow clap*) The lyrics, written by Rach’s Hart of Dixie castmates Scott Porter and Wilson Bethel, even bring up this comparison, saying, “And if Natalie get mad at me, remind her who the Black Swan,” followed by a creepy death stare. OK, fine! We get it! Rachel goes hard! We’ll give her that much, but we NEED to discuss all these fashion references she’s dropping ASAP. Let’s dive in, shall we?
This is how you might remember Rachel: Sweet face. Soft, flowy hair. Sensitive doe eyes. Girly light pink lips.
Then, she transforms! She’s a rapper who starts spitting some serious lyrical game and begins to call out any haters: “You said I don’t look like a what? Like a real doctor? A real doctor wouldn’t dress like me, wouldn’t look like me, wouldn’t act like me? Oh halllleee nawww.” Then, of course, she begins rapping about all of her designers duds. “Lab coat: Dolce.”
“Clip board: Prada.”
“Vera Wang short shorts, name tag: ’Doctor.'”
Then we’re hit with WAY-TOO-CLOSE shots or Ms. Bilson’s mouth to see that her “grills” are nothing more than Doublemint gum wrappers. You can’t fool us!
Then, BAM. The mother lode. By the time we’re halfway through the video, Rachel’s barely recognizable. She sports a teardrop face tattoo (uh, does this mean she killed someone? Yiksies.), extra dark lip liner, kohl-rimmed eyes, giant hoop earrings, and a Los Angeles Kings cap. She complains about the HARD LIFE of always being on magazine covers (“Every other month on the cover of a magazine; Periodical front and center with a pouty mouth”), which is sooo #whitegirlproblems it’s not even funny. She then proceeds to throw money in our face, do body shots, and sip some champagne straight from the bottle. Well, if we’ve learned ANYTHING from this video it’s 1.) that Ra-Ra can be kinda scary sometimes and 2.) She does not mess around with her fashion game. Because, as Rachel says, when it comes to shoes, it’s “only Jimmy Choos, bitch!”