Ariel Winter’s Emmys Dress Makes Us Feel Uncomfortable

Ariel Winter at the 2011 Emmy Awards.
Photo: Getty Images

The Emmys were last night. A grip of scarlet, floor-length gowns traversed the red carpet. Hair ranged from updo to beach waves. Also, purple was a thing, and we were maybe confusled and beweirdtrested by Gwyneth Paltrow’s Pucci dress that was both gorgeous and inappropriate. We did not LOVE Amy Poehler’s dress but loved absolutely everything else about her. Coach Taylor won an award because he deserved one for being THE BEST (CLEAR EYES, FULL HEARTS, CAN’T LOSE!), and Modern Family swept the comedy category. On the topic of Modern Family, here’s where things get delicate and dicey for us.

First of all, the show is great. The characters are highly developed and believable, and we love the underdog, smarty-pants awesomeness of Alex Dunphy. We maybe totally relate to not being the cute one or, more appropriately, the one who doesn’t get cute until college and then MAKING MINCEMEAT out of all the girls who developed early and, let’s face it, peaked too early too. So it’s hard to make a point of not liking Ariel Winter’s dress from last night. Especially since, we get it, it’s “grown up” and supposed to be like, “Oh snap, who is this stunning butterfly in place of this squirmy, hairy grub-looking thing that was RIGHT HERE next to this gnarly dried up, discarded pupa husk…,” but instead it makes us feel uncomfortable. We think this dress is inappropriate. There’s too much conspicuous boobage. Too much form-fittingness. Which sucks because the dress itself is pretty and frilly, and she does honestly look otherwise beautiful.

Not to sound like the wizened old hag that I absolutely empirically am BUT I just feel like a dress for a 13-year-old girl (woman? IDK lady? GAH) should be more playful. Especially when the contrast between having braces and a peekaboo cutaway at the mamm glands makes me want to blind every perv-bot dude in the ogling radius. Ariel, you’re frickin’ amazing, now please go put on a sweater. Or a wrap. Or some chain mail. Thank you.

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