A still from Beyoncé’s “Best Thing I Never Had” music video.
All Photos Courtesy of Columbia Records
After seeing Beyoncé stomp around with a troupe of hungry women in the post-apocalyptic wasteland in “Who Run The World (Girls)”, it is easy to forget that the Houston singer is really a die-hard romantic. Bey probably still absentmindedly doodles B + Jay-Z = 4EVA and had her wedding day planned since she was 13. But don’t get it twisted, it doesn’t mean that Beyoncé isn’t a realist. She knows what gnarly elements lurk out there, and in an ultimate kiss-off ballad to everyone else who is NOT married to her, Queen B sends out “The Best Thing I Never Had” with killer connubial visuals that knock us dead with the awesomely triumphant and HELLA SMUG-in-a-satisfying-way lyrics.
I mean, “WHAT GOES AROUND COMES BACK AROUND, HEY, MAH BABY!…YOU SHOWED YOUR ASS AND I SAW THE REAL YOU/THANK GOD YOU BLEW IT/THANK GAWWWD I DODGED A BULLET!” Sooooooo. Goooooood. The video shows the most beautifullest girl in the world in the Taxonomy of Important Dresses in a Lady’s Life: Prom, Wedding, Reception plus the face-melting bonus round of getting to see the most luminous skin and golden hair in white lingerie EVER. Let’s break it all down.
ALL IVORY EVERYTHING
While one could cravenly focus ONLY on the fact that our bride is missing…erm…nipples, we’re going to focus on the important stuff like how Bey looks marvelous. The softly lit room, the Agent Provocateur garter/teddy combo with the BANGING body is unflappable, and somewhere out there a ex-boyfriend of hers is shooting himself in the face. AS WELL HE SHOULD. Idiot!
BIG BUSINESS DOUBLE-BUN
Look at this all-business twin action. Loves. She looks both fresh, dewy, and clean, and opting for low-key makeup is a smart move—vamp eyeliner would have made the bedroom thing less “anxious bride” and more “boudoir,” which isn’t the vibe of this vid at all. The buns aren’t severe IN THE LEAST thanks to the low placement AND the pigtail-like appeal.
CALL THE WAMBULANCE FOR NON-HUSBAND DUDES!
It’s a new day, and a hopeful Beyoncé imitates crying and says ”You don’t deserve my tears…maybe that’s why they aren’t there.” PREACH girl, because you’ve got a custom-made Baracci of Beverly Hills wedding dress on, and nobody needs to get moisture on a jeweled bodice of that caliber.
24 KARAT KLAWS
Check out these gold-plated nails! Get it. Likely outfitted with a press-on gilded situation like Minx or Sally Hansen, but it’s the stiletto/almond nail shape that ratchet the glint to full-tilt fierce.
Look at little Beyoncé! It’s definitely not 1998 though, (Dang, how did they pull this off? She looks crazy young!) as she is wearing this season’s Nikolaki raspberry strapless mini-dress with an asymmetric pouf. A short dress to prom? Definitely!
THE HILLS ARE ALIVE AND FLAUNTING A BELLE
Arms spread, she’s reenacting “Sound Of Music” like a champ. And why shouldn’t she, given the ornate trim on that dress is fairy-princess-wish-fulfillment like crazy. Gathered duchess satin is a decision that should be made with FULL CONFIDENCE. Also, a tiara and veil. WERK. Man, who do we have to spurn to get arms like that?
Beyoncé is now a happily married lady, with tousled waves that match the diaphanous neckline of her silk Vera Wang gown. She looks blissful and not in the least stressed out, and if anyone’s comfortable and bold enough to actually EAT at her own wedding it’s most definitely Ms. S. Carter. And while we can’t help but surmise how “awwwwwwwwwwww” x 1,000,000 it would have been for her husband to have been played by Hov, we are not mad at this handsome actor man beside her (the golden bow-tie definitely gets a raised brow, though).
SWANNING INTO THE SUNSET
And as she turns her back on her past, we see nothing but a lace-up bodice and hips that torture all of mankind. Plus, womankind. And also space aliens who don’t understand the appeal as they’ve never experienced it before but still really like it. Oh, and the return of business buns, which may be our summer braid replacement when it gets really gross in August.
+ WATCH THE FULL “BEST THING I NEVER HAD” VIDEO BELOW!!!