Joe Jonas in the June 2011 issue of ’Paper’ magazine.
Photo: Courtesy of ’Paper’ magazine/Jacqueline Di Milia
Not to be all, despicably #humblebrag about it, but I once met Joe Jonas in person. I shook his hand and kept it moving because it was exactly 10 past 1 million o’clock and there was a heaving buffet table of goodness behind him and I am a greedy food monster who cannot prioritize correctly. FML. Anyway, what has two thumbs and is SMACKING HER HEAD IN FRUSTRATION RIGHT NOW?* Look at these photographs. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me, but I’d previously dismissed Joe Jonas because I’d believed him to be a wonderful performer and cute but basically a zygote with a little raisin scab where his navel would grow in to be because he is a baby to my eleventy-thousand-year old osteoporosis-riddled husk of a body and I thought it was gross and inappropriate. It is officially no longer gross and inappropriate. Wow, could he get it.
Something about the fact that he’s in Paper magazine makes it instantly OK to unfurl my vulpine tongue and have it thwack the ground audibly while I leer at this dude. And while there is something decidedly “European sportswear print ad” about jumping and being shot in midair as he is in some selects (at least it’s not one with a stark white seamless background and a tennis racket or some other ridic noise), I have to say that young Lord Jonas has grown up spectacularly well. The youth are just so LEAN, as seen in the black-and-white shot where he’s wearing the most impossibly narrow jacket and shirt (seriously, peep how svelte that lapel is swooooooooooon) and if I just squint (Asian eye jokes notwithstanding), I can make him look north of 25 in that one (he’s 21 IRL, which, frankly, is also fine [I am grossing myself out a little now]). Anyway, all you people who were long on the Joe Jonas bandwagon (aka my entire staff), KUDOS to you because I am officially a convert. From afar. With binoculars. Which is creepier. But only to me seeing as I’m alone when I do my skulking. And eating cereal if you must know.