Let’s Discuss: Aloe-Infused Bras And Panties

Campaign photo for the Simone Perele Fall/Winter 2011 Caressence Collection.
Photo: Courtesy of Simone Perele

There’s something so reassuring about people telling me about the restorative properties of aloe vera. It feels so ’90s. Like, when I didn’t know that no matter how much money I’d make or how many impressive and fascinating people I’d meet and how many pairs of shoes I’d hoard in a secret crevice in my third closet, that I would feel oddly hollow. Not an entirely unpleasant experience, just sort of, vaguely cool. Not unlike how I’d imagine aloe-infused underpants would feel on your ladyjunk.

In response to a need that I can only imagine is, well, totally imagined, Simon Perele has created a line of underpinnings called the Caressence Collection, which infuses the plant-based emollient/universal awesome sauce into each refined thread. Sold at Neiman Marcus and thereby meriting the equally ’90s utterance of “Oh, MAN, you mean ’Needless Markups’! AMIRITE???” the garments will hold their aloe magic for upwards of 100 washings. Like this is a statistic the consumer would care about given the fact that they too are trying desperately to fill the hole in their hearts with listless nouns that some rando company is peddling in a horror show of self-perpetuating misery. Just look at the woman pictured here as the aspirational consumer. She looks like her hair smells like exhaust and her palms have no lines. SERIOUSLY, who did the set design on this shoot? Also, the lighting. I want to stay in my lane, but this is like getting Portishead on accident in your a.m. cardio mix. I am officially depressed. And going to BURY my face and take solace in a pile of springy, smooth, padded, ahem, “CONTOURED” aloe brassieres. I bet that feels great.

{via Fashionista}

Campaign photo for the Simone Perele Fall/Winter 2011 Caressence Collection.
Photo: Courtesy of Simone Perele