Let’s Discuss: Kitten Heels Being A Thing Again

French First Lady Carla Bruni-Sarkozy at the G8 Summit in Deauville, France, on May 26, 2011, Alexa Chung at the Royal Academy Summer Exhibition in London on June 9, 2010, and U.S. first lady Michelle Obama at the White House in Washington, D.C. on Sept. 18, 2009.
Photo: Getty Images

Not that anyone’s ever accused me to my face of being a “lady” or “elegant” but there’s something about the return of this particular shoe trend that simply irritates me. Some chicks have beef with bows. Or polka dots. Or hearts. Or Peter Pan collars. They find them “too girly” or cloying and it’s definitely how I’d qualify the inconsequential nubbin of a heel known as the kitten heel. Plus, and this might be just me but there’s something strangely low rent about a kitten heel. A sort of “fancydrag.” Like something that scrabbles with awkward elbows and scabby knees to a higher station because they read many times (by match light) in the only picture book they owned (known to you and I as a magazine) when they lived in subway tunnels, that this shoe was somehow “special.”

Kitten Heels.
Photo: Getty Images

While I’m not at all accusing any of these she-dignitaries (Alexa Chung totally counts) of having Mickey Mouse operations for shoe games, and while I’m sure the left one could “buy and sell my ass” because it’s so expensive, I just can’t help it. Kitten heels remind me of maribou feather bedroom slippers. And see-through mules with fake-jewel brooches. And designer monogrammed shoes only worn by mail-ordered Eastern European child-brides in far-flung principalities or emirates. And brands that I forget exist like Etienne Aigner. Or worse still, shoes that I myself wore when I started my first job at a very upscale department store and thought a little heel was better than no-heel and was promptly proven wrong because a) F around and these bishes will give you cankles and b) You can break an leg in these sooner than you will 5-inch platform wedges because they lull you into a false sense of security and that’s the God’s honest truth. These are things I’ve learned that you are welcome to.