How To Make A 3-D Bikini And A Dress With A Printer

Continuum N12 Bikini.
Photo: Courtesy of Continuum/Ariel Efron

I love science. I am a sucker for smartypantses and people who just seem like smartypantses because they’re polysyllabic and confusing and wear glasses and small trousers. But sometimes an errant poindexter starts chipping away at a problem that just isn’t a problem and bad stuff like this 3-D bikini happens. I know. I didn’t get it either, but upon watching the video and reading the literature, basically you send your sizes to a company called Continuum Fashion and they PRINT a bikini for you out of these wee little, flexible nylon 12 (aka polyamide) discs that join at angles that allow for topography that fit EXACTLY to the curvature of your body and is “surprisingly comfortable.” What? Yeah, no.

I mean, look at this thing. I realize that it’s COOL and RAD that you can make this nonfabric behave like fabric but kinda who cares when there’s this thing called FABRIC. AMIRITE? Stay in your lane scientists…

Model wearing the N12 bikini.
Photo: Courtesy of Continuum/Ariel Efron

This series just reminds me of some retrograde companion piece to when Vivienne Tam was creating those sleeveless boat neck tops and A-line skirts out of cellulose-waxed paper that printed beautifully but felt like surgical masks and that was in 1998. And that cellulose mess was invented in the ’50s. SO, WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF THIS INVENTION? The bikini, which retails for $600, is water-resistant but isn’t eco-friendlier than its cuter counterparts. The bottoms look like a harrowing prospect to have chilling all over your ladyregions. Who but a nonsexy, truly upsetting Svedka robot would want one? Honestly. Thankfully, Continuum also makes dresses. Dresses that you can modify in any number of ways, as illustrated by this very menacing Skynet ARMY of black-clad CG ladies that can haunt your nightmares forever.

Continuum D Dresses.
Photo: Courtesy of Continuum/Ariel Efron