Am I Wearing A Dress?: Learn From These Repeat Offenders

’Am I Wearing A Dress?’ Infographic.
Photo: Courtesy of Buzzfeed/Creator lilys2

You know how sometimes you’ll see some poor girl (or even yourself) walking around in a vestment that is just baffling? Maybe it was so short you swear you caught a glimpse of the girl’s SOUL as she sat down/stood up? Usually one of two situations is playing out: Either this thing was supposed to be worn as a tunic (a fact she’s choosing to blithely ignore), OR what began as a dress is made up of unnatural fibers and discarded dreams, and it shrank after the first wash. Either way, it’s an unfortunate problem plaguing lady-citizens across the country, yielding wardrobe malfunctions and pedestrian blindness. Thankfully, someone created a handy dandy GENIUS ’Am I Wearing A Dress?’ infographic (a spin-off of the Buzzfeed infographic for ’Am I Wearing Pants?’) to squash the problem from this moment on. Print it out, tape it to your mirror, look at it every day, but ALSO let these classic repeat offenders be examples to you all…


Strawberry Shortcake Doll from the Marie Osmond Collection.
Photo: Courtesy of Irresistible Dolls

Yeah yeah, the girl smells of freshly ripened summer fruit and warm baked goods 24/7. And sure, she’s always flashing the kindest smile beneath that cute button-nose. And her poofy pink bonnet and embroidered apron are totally charming and endearing. But have you SEEN how short Strawberry Shortcake’s *massive air quotation marks* dress is?!!? I get it. She’s a really nice girl. And I’m sure she’s a great friend to all she meets, but none of that really matters anymore when you realize this chick is practically flashing her drawers to the world and all of human history. AND OUR CHILDREN. Who cares if they’re gigantic voluminous bloomers and she has another layer of striped tights beneath them, SHE’S EXPOSING HER UNDERGARMENTS (and not in a fash-forward underwear-as-outerwear kind of way). Therefore, this is NOT a dress. Annnnd I’m blind. Aaannnd my childhood is ruined.


Daisy Duck poses for a picture.
Photo: Courtesy of Flickr user meeko_

Can we even count how many rules Daisy Duck is breaking right now? There’s SO much going wrong here with Daisy’s pink ruffled, Peter Pan collared, puff-sleeved garment that “fail” is just not harsh enough to truly capture how miserably this misses the mark. This is the Hindenburg of dresses as far as lengths go. The worst part about this, though, is that Daisy is just so clearly not even TRYING to cover up her ladyduckparts. Come on, girl, you HAD to know that this was supposed to be worn with pants or shorts or another skirt or even leggings, for crying out loud! And don’t even get me started on how egregiously she’s just NOT thinking about Donald and his feelings with this move. I can’t. She’s just striking a pose. Batting her eyelashes. Inviting the universe in with her little duck tail flapping naked in the wind. Also, Crocs? … I wash my hands of you.


Sailor Moon figurines.
Photo: Courtesy of iOffer

Let’s face it. The entire cast of girls from Sailor Moon is doing it wrong. These skirts don’t just fail the fingertip test. They outright defy it (and gravity), flaring up in such a way that is most definitely exposing things that have no business seeing the light of day outside of a beach. Or a pool. Or a nudist colony. Ladies beware: Moving the fabric around in the form of giant satin bows, elbow-length gloves, and knee-high boots doesn’t compensate for the lack of coverage on your netherparts. And I’m aware that you could argue that grown-up Sailor Chibi Moon (the one front and center with the pink pigtails) is just wearing a dress with a really high slit, but that thing is about as modest as a hospital gown, so I’m pulling rank and decreeing it not a dress just because it weirds me out. On a separate note, I’m highly skeptical of anyone whose hair extends past their hemline. Especially in an updo. Not OK. Check yourselves.