Let’s Discuss: Dudes With Long Hair Ruling Girls’ Loins Forever Without Fail

Taylor Kitsch at the U.S. premiere of ’X-Men Origins: Wolverine’ in Tempe, Arizona, on April 27, 2009, Tom Brady at the ’Alexander McQueen: Savage Beauty’ Costume Institute Gala in New York City on May 2, 2011, and Ashton Kutcher at the Coalition to Abolish Slavery & Trafficking’s 13th Annual Gala in Los Angeles on May 12, 2011.
Photo: Getty Images

Um. So, this. I know that the title of this post is a little dicey with it seeming like there’s tendrils getting all mixed up and tangled in ladyjunk but seriously, what’s with guys having long hair and suddenly becoming UNIMPEACHABLE GODS? It’s frankly a little gross how responsive I, and other ladies like myself, get when guys get all tonsorially loose and freeeeee and flowing because I think what’s primarily attractive about it is that they sort of look like jerks. There’s something distinctly unemployed yet preening about the setup that makes them look suspiciously capable of murder and monster-scale embezzling or worse still, reminiscent of skater dudes from my youth. Ugh. Sooooo handsome… to where it fills me with self-loathing.

But just look at the examples, obviously Taylor Kitsch is beautiful and his character (ZOMG FUUUUUUUUUUUULL HEEEAAAAAAARTS) on the best show ever, Friday Night Lights, makes you want to make out with him whilst full-tilt sobbing in his mouth that forever tastes like Dr. Pepper and cruelty, so no surprises there but hold up. What’s with Tom Brady looking hotter than he ever has with that slicked sheen, side-part that has this sportzzzzz playingzzzz personzzzz *snore* suddenly looking all fetching like he’s ruling Castle Grayskull on that He-Man tip? And while Ashton is sort of the OG of “long hair, don’t care” in recent memory (even if the Nelson Twins will always wear the tandem crown for all us 32984729374927429384-year-olds) and seems fairly harmless, how can we put a stop to this? I think all this Samson power stuff is bad for business. Is there a way to quietly wean yourself from being consistently, predictably enticed by dudes with long hair? Can someone SOLVE ME THIS? It is VERY PRESSING and URGENT. Especially in the event of long hair/beard twofers.

{inspired by Oh No they Didn’t}