Ewan McGregor at the Seattle International Film Festival in Seattle on May 22.
Photo: Getty Images
Ever since Ewan McGregor sang me, erm, Nicole Kidman the CUTEST LOVE SONG EVAR in Moulin Rouge in 2001, things just haven’t been the same between us. Like, every time I see Ewan, I think of him as the super lovestruck writer from the movie who has barely any money but BIG DREAMS and refuses to give up on this woman that’s completely out of his league. And, Ewan, man, let’s be HONEST with ourselves here. I’m a writer, too. And hey, I’m pretty poor. And guess what? I look NOTHING like Nicole Kidman, which probably means I’m sort of kind of closer to possibly being in your league, right? We’d have so much in common, you know? We could talk about our favorite adverbs and the joys of sentence structure and stuff. And, yeah, you’d drag me to those awkward poetry slams sometimes, and I’d be all reluctant to go, but I’d still do it because it was for you.
When we start dating, you’d probably wear cute outfits like this one you wore to the Seattle International Film Festival. You’d be all West Coast art school cool with your loose gray scarf draped over a button-up shirt and navy blazer. Your jeans would be JUST the right amount of distressed and UGH. I’D FREAK EVERY TIME YOU DECIDED TO CUFF YOUR JEANS WITH BOOTS BECAUSE I LOVE IT SO MUCH. (There’s no actual explanation for why I love this, but it just always looks sooo good.) And you know what? You’d have that weird and kooky facial hair that doesn’t ACTUALLY make you look more attractive, but you like it because you want something “different,” but a mustache is too ironic and hipster and blahblahblah. In fact, I’m pretty sure when I see a goatee on ANYONE else, it looks quite terrible and it makes me want to gag and I hate it. But there’s something about your wild hair and mesmerizing blue eyes that makes me think your pointy mustache and red chin beard are OK. Actually, adorable. Actually, THE BEST THING IN THE ENTIRE WORLD. But only on you. You got that, gentleman? ONLY ON EWAN. I’m lookin’ at you, GoateeSaver.