Let’s Discuss: The Invention Of Sub-Spenders To Combat Saggy Pants

A model wearing a pair of Subs.
Photo: Hatch Ventures

You know those late-night television commercials that start like, “Are you and inventor? Etc etc” that prey on people who suspect they’re secret geniuses, with the only thing standing in the way of their million-dollar ideas coming to fruition is someone seeing through the masquerade of their current career of plumber/office manager/blogger and giving them the publicity that they so rightfully deserve?

Yeah, this doesn’t remind me of that at all.

I don’t even know what it reminds me of, but all of this *waves hands in “wax-on; wax-off” formation* is #vom. First of all, perhaps for no reason, my classist antenna gets a little itchy about stuff like this especially given that the inventor Andrew Lewis of Harlem says stuff like, “Sagging is a huge issue in my community. I spent a lot of time observing and I noticed that even for saggers, there is a point which even they’re not comfortable with how their jeans were falling.”

First of all, just how much time are you devoting to such field studies? Get a job OTHER than self-appointed anthropologist/scientist. Secondly, um, so what, this reminded you that you’d like to capitalize off of such ’saggers’ to fulfill such an egregiously under-addressed neighborhood problem? The suspenders fetch around $30, and according to this article will “help bridge the gap between saggers who want to express themselves through fashion and critics who say the trend shows off underwear and looks unprofessional.”

WHAT IS ANYBODY TALKING ABOUT? The underwear is STILL showing. And anyone who is concerned about appearing professional is likely not wearing trousers that are hitched at the coccyx, and if underwear is underwear and GARTER BELTS ARE UNDERWEAR would some dude rolling up with the addition of some perplexing contraption make the workplace situation any more conducive to productivity?

To me, this is as infuriating as the town of Dublin, Georgia’s well-publicized vigilance against sagging and their strides to qualify it as “indecent exposure” in order to slap children and teens with fines upwards of $200 for each strike. Below you will see a very servicey video on how these Sub-Spenders, aka “SUBS” work. In it, a very astute woman who I agree with wholeheartedly calls them “so insanely dumb.” And by “dumb” she meant “dumb plus mind-bendingly ugly and pointless.” UGH. And this is not at all in support of sagging pants, exposed boxers or “whale tailing” (the act of sagging ladypants to where the thong is exposed because that mess is revolting [not to be confused with “bum cleavage circa Alexander McQueen” because that’s different. It is. I’ll fight you.]). {via}