Let’s Discuss: Urban Outfitters’ Weird Fake Bangs

Urban Outfitters Headwraps.
Photo: Courtesy of Urban Outfitters

Oh man, bangs are the worst. When you don’t have them, you want them BAD because you’re convinced you’ll look sweet and interesting as though you have only the most-attractive hobbies like crocheting full sweaters and playing the acoustic guitar your mom gave to you. A mom who could totally be your sister since she looks so young and vibrant because SHE has bangs.

But when you do have bangs, you’re anticipating the three months of purgatory it’ll take to grow them out enough that you can awkwardly brush them aside and pin them like some grade-schooler. Not that the side-sweep barrette isn’t an adorable option for some, it’s just that on most it looks like neon adult braces—hella weird. Plus, it’s like EVERY TIME you eat French fries or anything remotely greeeezy, you can just feel the slick from your innards and your fingertips and around your mouth coalescing to form a ball of gross that goes STRAIGHT to your bangs and makes them look disgusting.

Which is where these bizarre headbands come in. If you’ve tried those hilarious clip-in bangs only to find that coarse doll hair sprouting from some vague line on your crown makes you look and feel like a borg sent to destroy mankind, your only option is to go the route of “crap dangling off a hippie headdress.” A kissing cousin to the “Head Thong,” these hair ornaments can’t actually be worn if you already have bangs. Or, I guess you could, except that it’d be like wearing 3D glasses OVER your regular glasses, but all day. On the subway. At your desk. Talking to your boss. ALL DAY. The one on the left is called the Highway Child Goddess, and the name alone conjures troubled images of a disoriented kid wandering around the periphery of a major but fairly deserted interstate dressed in a long T-shirt, NO SHOES and this absurd halo. I blame the parents.

The thing on the right is entitled the Guitar Strap & Bead Headwrap and is fairly straightforward. In my humble estimation, they’re both gross and potentially irritating, BUT I definitely like how in the pictures, the girls look like sad etsy boyfriends. That part makes me happy.