Jennifer Lopez Or Nicole Scherzinger: Who Wore A Super Skintight Catsuit Best?

Jennifer Lopez performs at KIIS FM’s Wango Tango 2011 in Los Angeles on May 14, and Nicole Scherzinger performs at Radio 1’s Big Weekend 2011 in London on May 14.
Photo: Getty Images

You know how even the most impressive dudes in the whole wide world put their pants on one leg at a time? WELL, WHAT ABOUT CATSUITS? I don’t even wear leggings, let alone leggings without a shirt/tunic/dress long enough to cover the V of your ladyundercarriagearea, so I gotta say, these skintight bodysuits seem awfully challenging and yet here we have two very successful examples.

Peep the impressively sleek physiques of Jennifer Lopez (again, this woman had TWINS) and Nicole Scherzinger. Despite my being 1 million years old and damn-near Victorian when it comes to grave matters of the camel toe, I am not in the least bit affronted by either display of womenbits because there is NONE TO BE SEEN HERE.

It’s really a matter of fit. J. Lo’s homage to Spider-Woman (whaddap Jessica Drew) is plenty revealing, but the fact that there is ZERO bunching or even the slightest hint of sausaging on any of her extremities speaks to either a dynamite tailor or a superhuman tightness of flesh. The iridescent webbing also breaks the look up, so there isn’t just an expanse of skin for the eye to train on and pick off shortcomings since human eyes can be total bastards.

Nicole’s working with a much more retro, Body Glove-ish silhouette. Neon, midriff cutouts, color blocking… But the trick here is that a) it appears that this onesie isn’t made of neoprene as earlier suspected (wetsuit material can have an oddly thickening effect) and that b) the shapes on the surface, the long sleeves and the V-neck actually contours an already dumb perfect body. Basically, this is a magical catsuit that gives you boobs, trims your waist, makes your torso appear slender and lengthy while elongating your limbs. It’s like if your SPANX had tiny intelligent mirrors, lights, and a million buglike robotic arms that moved according to who’s looking at you to make you appear 10 pounds thinner and 32 points boobier. You know, DESPITE ALREADY HAVING THE IDEAL MOST PERFECTEST AWESOME BODY ALREADY. Who wore it better? More like, who but these two could in the first place?*

*Oh, I guess Nicki Minaj, Jessie J. And basically anyone who chooses to. I WILL FIGHT ANYONE WHO TALKS SMACK ABOUT A LADY IN A CATSUIT. It’s not easy, man. Can you even really carry a purse? OMG. You’ll need to make a mini-you-in-a-catsuit-fanny-pack. Oh me? Yeah, I’m just blogging MILLION DOLLAR IDEAS IN THE ASTERISK POSTSCRIPT.