Let’s Discuss: Adam Lambert’s Mysterious Facial Hair

Adam Lambert at the 28th-annual ASCAP Pop Music Awards in Hollywood on April 27, 2011.
Photo: Getty Images

We can all agree that this is amazing, yes? I mean, granted it’s a STRONG look and rather jarring in that there is no where in the room/world where Adam Lambert’s eyes aren’t following you but as two-colored giant pompadours go, this is kind of a perfect one. Upon a cursory glance he looks like an enormous surprised cockatoo that has perhaps gone to the Dark Side, but when you truly study this image—given that there’s no way to tear your eyes away once you’re locked in the magical tractor beam of Lambert’s version of Blue Steel—you realize that this dude comes in peace. And will not attempt to tie you to a railroad track despite you wearing a white eyelet tiered dress and matching bonnet that would look SO AMAZING tied to a railroad track. Like, it would make the cover of the lookbook for sure.

And while there are at least 12 to 33 jokes that could be made about the fact that it looks like Adam chose a stencil from some vast collection to spray paint on a perfectly symmetrical down-curved ’stache and Dorito chin patch (careful not to get it in his eyes), each individual face follicle actually appears to have been MASCARA’D instead. That, my friends, is devotion, pain, and care and should be noted and admired. Plus, just LOOK at the exacting arch of his brows and the truly masterful eye makeup. The reason this whole *360-degree around the world snap* situation is so mesmerizing has everything to do with the fact that his eye shadow and lashes work in concert to draw your attention to the GORGEOUS gray-blue hue of his eyeballs. This is not amateur status and not to be attempted at home. Or can be attempted at home. But, to where you don’t go out and just stay there. Preening.

***BREAKING UPDATE: According to the artist’s Twitter page, it seems HE HAS SHAVED! No news as to what exactly this means for his manscaped face-coif but we await reliable photographic evidence that he remains as categorically awesome-looking as he did when the above was taken.