Let’s Discuss: Christian Louboutin Wants Us In Paws, Hooves, Other Sorts Of Ghastly Stuff

Look, let’s all be very honest with ourselves. We are not really in any danger of ever being FORCED to wear Christian Louboutin shoes against our wills. No matter how David Lynch and surreal the terrorscape of some hackneyed kidnapping plot becomes, no one is going to put a gun to your head, take a knee and MAKE you ease on these revolting shoes. Yes. Revolting. Typically, for our “Let’s Discuss” franchise we throw up a topic so that we can engage in a forthright and spirited discussion about whether or not we like or dislike something, but in this case we’d like to foist our fervent opinion that these here shoes are seriously fug.

The “Alex” pump and the “Puck” boot from Christian Louboutin’s fall 2011 collection.
Photo: Courtesy of Christian Louboutin

I mean, so the one on the left is called the “Alex” and is intended to resemble the regal paw of a lion. Oooooor it’s an homage to the tenaciousness of overdeveloped freak show bunions with oozing, mottled ends that are SO powerful that they push a gnarly, permanent convex shape into the suede of the shoe.

The trotter on the right is called “Puck” because it’s an homage to the “shrewd and knavish sprite” of Shakespeare’s “A Midsummer Night’s Dream.” It features a curled, long, pony nap dyed in an ombre effect, and the prospect of wearing such booties makes me feel wildly uncomfortable as though I’m preparing for a hot, yiffing appointment with a Furry.

The “Splash Fur” shoe from Christian Louboutin’s fall 2011 collection.
Photo: Courtesy of Christian Louboutin

This last one called “Splash Fur” we included for its quizzically slapdash plume. It is as if some really adorable woodland creature or flightless-but-oh-so-beautiful bird got enthusiastically KICKED only to find itself lodged in the buckle of the upper. It’s sort of funny in its incongruousness, and we would seriously consider owning it for sheer entertainment value were we excused from rent or spatial limitations of our tiny-ass homes overflowing with shoes we genuinely intend on wearing. So. What do you think? Do you HATE them or do you etc etc etcblablablabla?