No More Gross Dad Jeans: We Give President Obama And Mark Zuckerberg A Denim Makeover

By now you’ve all heard that President Barack Obama will be going on a power playdate (I am almost 100 percent sure that is the correct, technical term for it) with Facebook CEO and future High Emperor of The Entire Universe, Mark Zuckerberg, later this month at Facebook HQ in Palo Alto, California. The discussion will be streamed at and on Wednesday, April 20, at 4:45 p.m. ET and, we’re DYING in anticipation of a truly open and galvanizing dialogue about innovation and pecuniary responsibility, with the audacious hope of sustainable growth and moneytimes for everyone. Yay.

President Obama outside the International Spy Museum in Washington, D.C., on July 30.
Aww… how awesome is it that he went to the International Spy Museum? So dishy sometimes this prez of ours. Photo: Getty Images

The only really big buzzkill is that in order to appear approachable and “youthful” and sticky with meme-tasticness, POTUS might turn up in say, jeans. You know the ones: The PRESIDENTIAL DAD JEANS. Enough with the tragic light wash and straight leg, sir. We’d like to, respectfully, suggest a darker wash with a sleeker cut. And because you are a VERY IMPORTANT MAN we’d love to see you in an raw indigo selvedge situation. These 511s are handmade in The United State by Levi’s and are eco-friendly. Make sure to tell them that we sent you so we can name drop and maybe get a discount. Thanks!

Mark Zuckerberg at a Facebook event in San Francisco on Nov. 15.
Photo: Getty Images

OMGAWWWG Mark Zuckerberg, Jerry Seinfeld called. He wants his ’90s jeans plus white kicks steez baaaaaack. Actually, he doesn’t. He just wants some ROYALTIES. Ahahahaha SIKE, whatever, these guys are BOTH so so so so so rich. Anyway, we know you’ve been really busy since college what with DOMINATING the entire world wide web and making so much money that the money on the bottom of the money pile is rotting and starting to smell bad (that’s totally possible, right? For him to keep a literal paper RESERVE of his assets?) but that is NO EXCUSE to still be wearing that weird baggy/bootcut hybrid. You have a svelte physique and you should really show it off. AHAHAHHAHA because THAT’S what you’d be going for when you’re dating Mark Zuckerberg! His legs! ROFFLEROFFLE. So yeah, buy some J.Crew liquor store jams like these 484 slim-fit raw selvedge jeans “and look hot. And rich. And rich. And rich. Money. Gold. Rubies.