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14 People You’ll (Unfortunately) See At Your Hometown Bar On Thanksgiving Eve

'OMG. How are youuu? You. Look. Great.'

Slithering out to a hometown haunt is almost like a Thanksgiving Eve rite of passage at this point. You get a dose of ~nostalgia~ -- or bizarro alternate universe vibes -- while taking advantage of the reasonably priced drink menu before heading back to your childhood bedroom for some much deserved holiday R&R. It's like a high school reunion without all the pressure.

It probably wouldn't be such a bad deal -- if it wasn't for the company.

Before you start your own "Beer and Self-Loathing In Your Hometown" adventure (probably at an Irish bar called O'somethings, LBR), here's a quick run-down of your #squad for the night and where you might see them:

  1. The Walking Resume.

    Before you manage to get your first drink, you'll be #spotted and cornered. Although you were friendly acquaintances at best, this person has mastered an elevator-pitch recap of the last few years of their life and are super eager to fill you in. Before you even break the seal, you'll know every place they studied abroad, interned and interviewed. This may be a networking exercise or a not-so-humble bragging sesh. You can never really be sure.

    Where to find them: Right by the door. Waiting.

  2. The One With Their S—t Together.

    Even though you're the same age, you feel years apart: They have a great job, are somehow well-rested and are in a stable, happy relationship. They typically have one drink and leave before 11 (and well before the last-call existential panic hour). Their effortless and glamorous #GrownUpLife makes you wish you could hate them -- but they're, like, really nice too.

    Where to find them: Pulling on their coat and saying their polite goodbyes at 10:30.

  3. The One Who Found God (Or Crossfit).

    While neither of these things are bad on their own, this person is going to want to walk you through their entire journey to clean eating and/or salvation. They talk pretty extensively about how beer is either an immoral vice or empty calories, are probably wearing sneakers and most likely share a lot of guilt-trip-y and/or pyramid scheme-y Instagram memes. Your only workout and/or prayer for the night involves getting the f--k away from them.

    Where to find them: You don't really want to know.

  4. The Rockstar.

    You may have just finally gotten around to un-liking their high school band page. Chances are, they are either inviting you to check out their pop-punk cover band or to see them "spin" at the other Irish bar across town. Luckily they have a lot of ground to cover tonight, so they leave pretty quick -- but not before scrawling their new Bandcamp page on a used napkin.

    Where to find them: Hogging the jukebox.

  5. The Ex.
    Comedy Central

    This town seriously isn't big enough for the both of you. It's been years since you've even talked, but seeing them straddling a bar stool is still enough to make you want to scamper back home where you can watch "Scandal" and scour Tinder without fear of confrontation. (Warning: There's like a 60 percent chance they'll hit on your best friend. Because they are ?.)

    Where to find them: They're freakin' everywhere.

  6. The Ex-Crush (Who Could Totally Still Get It.)

    This is that special someone who made your pubescent heart go pitter-pat, like just seeing them reminds you of Dashboard Confessional lyrics. But they probably have a kid now. It’s a little weird and you're lucky if you make it through obligatory small-talk without revealing that creeping their Instagram has a staple of your morning routine for a while now.

    Where to find them: Talking with someone who may or may not be their significant other.

  7. The Fake Fan.

    You never spoke in high school like, ever. But this person is suddenly super interested in you and your life and your choices. From your job to your relationship status to your social security number, this person seems like they're out to be your new best friend (in a grotesquely inauthentic way.)

    Where to find them: Initiating that hardly-believable: “OMG HOW ARE YOUUUUU? How's work?? YOU. LOOK. AMAZING," conversation.

  8. Your Friend’s Dad.

    There will almost always be somebody there who knew you pre-puberty. He's probably buddies with the owner and greets you with a slurred “Hey kiddo!" and asks why you don't come around the house anymore.

    Where to find them: His usual bar stool.

  9. Your High School History Teacher

    The last time you saw them was when you posed for that awkward photo at graduation or turned in your last IDGAF senior year final. They look like they've aged decades; this is a reminder of your own mortality.

    Where to find them: Next to your friend's dad (hiding their face).

  10. The Math Problem.
    Comedy Central/MTV

    You used to babysit this kid or maybe you coached them in peewee soccer? You're pretty sure they were like eight back then, but he's sporting a wispy mustache and nursing a Miller Lite and no one is making a fuss. You can't confirm or deny if he's actually 21 and, unfortunately, that's not something you can Google too easily. You resign yourself to side-eying that corner of the bar until he leaves.

    Where to find them: Just out of the bouncer's sight.

  11. The Hitch-hiking Ghost.

    DD's beware. They got dropped off at 9:30 and told their teen brother that they'd "wing it" for the ride home. They seem to have no knowledge of the local taxi company and no interest to learn. If you pause long enough to hear "Hey man, are you heading that way?" it may already be too late for you.

    Where to find them: Standing outside with the smokers.

  12. The "Hey -- Uh, You!"

    They sat in front of you in AP Government and you feel like their name might begin with a J? Jer-Jen-Ja-something? You don't want to be rude, but it's like every person you've ever met in the last four to seven years has blurred together. Don't overcompensate by being too buddy-buddy, that never works. (Although, if your graduating class had 300 students or less, no one believes you actually forgot any names. Whoops.)

    Where to find them: IDEK.

  13. The Bartender You Graduated With.

    Voted "Most Likely To Queue Up 'Closing Time' At 12:30" while praying for you and the rest of your former-classmates to take a freakin' hint. Don't forget to tip.

    Where to find them: The far end of the bar where he can avoid eye contact and watch the clock.

  14. Drunk Bathroom Girls.

    Drunk bathroom girls are magical creatures who must be protected at all cost: They compliment one another, share hand lotion and warn each other about creepers. Sometimes they cry, but it's kind of understandable. (If you can't find this girl, you're gonna become this girl.)

    Where to find them: In their sanctuary, obviously -- the bathroom.