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A Quick Guide To Parenting, As Told By ‘American Horror Story’

Parents of the Year right here.

"American Horror Story" seems to be the breeding ground for questionable parenting practices. The general consensus on "AHS" is that everyone is awful and "all monsters are human." But, it seems like the anthology show's parents in particular are overtly vile.

But perhaps we're overreacting here. Constance Langdon, Dr. Ben Harmon, Fiona Goode, Marie Delphine LaLaurie, Dr. Alex Lowe and The Countess might actually be decent parents, and we're the ones who are messed up. So, let's take a dive into the "AHS" parenting guidebook.

  1. If your child hooks up with someone you don't approve of, it's perfectly acceptable to turn her lover into a Minotaur.
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  2. If one of your children is abducted, feel free to just completely forget about the other one.
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    No harm, no foul, right?

  3. If your daughter is misinformed about herself, be 100% honest — no matter how brutal you think the truth may be.
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  4. You're encouraged to send your children away to an elite boarding school so you don't have to deal with them 24/7.
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  5. Or better yet, go ahead and slice off his ears and drown him if he's seriously cutting into your "me time."
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  6. Also, it's totally cool to lock up your deformed, vampiric child from the rest of the world.
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    No one will ever know.

  7. If your kid "only" gets measles, consider yourself a good parent.
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    Because, it's not like measles are serious or anything. Too bad they don't have VACCINATIONS available to the public in 2015.

  8. If you didn't notice your teenager's been dead for awhile, it's not a big deal.
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  9. If you find out your children are planning to murder you because you're ruining their love lives, lock them in cages and shove s--t in their mouths. Duh.
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  10. If your son is dismembered, by all means, try and put him back together — no matter the outcome.
    Ray Mickshaw / FX
  11. If your kid is pissing you off, ~jokingly~ threaten her life, fully knowing you have the actual power to actually do it.
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    Also, be sure to ignore them growing up and then ignore them some more when they're an adult.

  12. If your child commits heinous crimes, just shoot him in the head.
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    ...Although, Johnny did kill Adam Levine and Jenna Dewan-Tatum, so we kind of see Lana's reasoning on this one.