Bad Romance: Game Characters Having The Worst Valentine’s Day

You think your Valentine’s Day is crappy, keep in mind there are plenty of video game characters out there who have it worse. From creepy, unrequited interspecies love, to a disturbing pile of dead wives and girlfriends, here are some characters who probably wouldn’t like a card today.

Bowser, “Super Mario Bros.” (1985)

You have to imagine a guy who spends so much of his time kidnapping princesses (or at least the one princess) has some issues when it comes to finding that special someone. Wait, he has kids, right? So somewhere out there must be a special “Mrs. Bowser” (or several). So why the weird connection to the Princess?

How they’re celebrating Valentine’s day: Probably outside of the Princess’s castle, with a pair of binocular and a box of chocolates that will never be delivered.

James Sunderland, “Silent Hill 2″ (2001)

James was such a loving and devoted husband that he traveled to and battled his way through the mysterious and haunted town of Silent Hill to find her. Unfortunately, it turns out that James kind of, you know, killed his wife, and the horrors of Silent Hill were simply his mind’s way of creating suitable torments for him.

How they’re celebrating Valentine’s day: The thing is, James might have been able to turn it around, based on how players tackled the game, either meeting James’ beloved again or joining her in the afterlife.

Dominic “Dom” Santiago, “Gears of War 2″ (2008)

We couldn’t decide if we felt worse for Dom losing his beloved Maria or Marcus losing his bro for life, Dom.

Mr. Santiago spent most of “Gears 2″ carrying around a faded photo of the love of his life, hoping to save her from the Locusts’ subterranean prison, only to learn that she’d been effectively lobotomized. Because “Gears” is about dealing with big feelings using a gun, Dom did the only thing he could, putting one in her head, and later growing a wild man beard before sacrificing himself to save Marcus and Anya during the last days of the war.

How they’re celebrating Valentine’s day: By not being alive, mostly. But somewhere in “Gears” Valhalla, he’s probably shoving a bayonet through a quivering Grub while Maria looks on longingly.

Samus Aran, “Metroid” (1986)

This is a case of being a single working girl with no time for romance. The only types of hugs she gets are from parasitic aliens that want to propagate and infest the galaxy, so dating prospects are slim. Her longest relationship was with Ridley, and she blasted that monster into the depths of space.

How they’re celebrating Valentine’s day: We’d like to imagine she’s spending this Valentine’s day kicking back, maybe enjoying some “me” time with a book or a movie, and ignoring any pesky distress calls that might pop up on her day off.

Jackie Estacado, “The Darkness II” (2012)

For a ruthless gangster granted the killing power of the Darkness, Jackie sure has a soft side. He takes care of his beloved aunt and always thinks about his late, beloved girlfriend, Jennifer. Point of fact, Jackie can’t stop thinking of Jennifer, who died at the end of the first game, and visions of her plague him throughout last year’s sequel, tormenting him and allowing the Darkness to ultimately create a cage of Jackie’s own mind with Jenny at the center.

How they’re celebrating Valentine’s day: Well, Jenny’s back, but now she’s the bearer of the Angelus, which typically doesn’t get along well with the evil forces that spawned the Darkness. So there’s a good chance that theirs won’t be a hugging and kissing kind of reunion.

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