I just read somewhere that Sunday was Canada Day. Well you know what? Tomorrow’s America Day! Whoo!
That’s right brothers and sisters, it’s the must pumped up day to be living in the U.S. of A. All around the country, tiny little flags are gonna spontaneously appear in every tiny little American baby’s hand. Fireworks—no, FREEDOM FIRE—will be bombing your eardrums from now through the weekend as we Americans (yeah!) do what we do best: buy some semi-legal explosive and blow stuff up while eating hot dogs.
[Writer’s note: Please forgive me—this might be my most horrible attempt at humor ever]
But what you gonna do when all that Freed Fire is gone? Trick question, Freedom Fire is forever! But if fireworks and hot dogs aren’t your thing, why not play a couple of older video game titles that rock it out for the United States.
Bad Dudes (Data East, 1988)
What could be more American than punching out the ninjas that nabbed our Bad Dude in Chief? This old-school beat-em-up may not have the denim jacket charms of Double Dragon, but it has over 1000% more saving-the-prez action.
Instead of pyrotechnics, you’ve just got your two fists in Bad Dudes. I cal mine “John” and “Phillip Sousa.” Stars and Stripes forever, ninjas! Plus, it was an early co-op beat-em-up, meaning you could save the President with a bro, the way the Constitution intended.
And that’s what the Fourth is about, isn’t it? Kicking butt for America?
Captain America and the Avengers (Data East, 1991)
What’s that? Another one from Data East? Well of course we have to include a game featuring the one guy who’s so American, it’s his last name.
Wait, that doesn’t sound right.
While other members of the Avengers are available here, you wouldn’t be doing your patriotic duty if you played anyone besides the star-spangled Avenger. And you’ll need his mighty shield of justice to take down that butthole the Red Skull who likes to team up his baddie buddies to send them after you. Well you know what skullface? If there’s one thing Americans hate, it’s Commies. But if there’s ANOTHER thing we hate, its genius Nazis who can’t seem to die.
That’s how you get messed up.
Modern Warfare 2 (Activision, 2009)
From saving the president to protecting all of Washington D.C., you have to be a bad enough dude in Modern Warfare 2 to fend off an invasion by the Russians. Those guys? I thought they were our bros after we punched Communism in the face and it exploded into a million billion pieces!
We’re a nation that walks away slowly from an explosion without looking back and that’s the kind of game Modern Warfare 2 is. It’s got real talk about America and loose nukes and those nukes going loose on us. I get all raged up thinking about the flames, burning our capitol bright, Russkie choppers laying down heavy fire on our polygon-based men in uniform (American ladies don’t go to war in Call of Duty).
But then we took it back to the Russians in 3, heading over there and shooting enough bad guys until their duly-elected leader was back in office.
That right there is the Call of Democracy.
Metal Wolf Chaos (From Software, 2004)
When some rude dudes try to kick President Michael Wilson out of office, he doesn’t want for some Bad Dudes to come in and save the day. Nope, he suits up in his mech Metal Wolf, and exerts his executive privilege: the kill!
This Xbox release features a nefarious Vice President who’s also your evil nemesis, gunning for the number one spot, and President Wilson doesn’t hesitate to set off some Freedom Fires to keep his old job. Because if hopping in a robot suit with the stars and stripes on it and blasting away at democracy’s enemies with a Gatling gun isn’t the American way, I don’t know what is.
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