Lionhead's Must-Do List For 'Fable II' Gamers

The best way to figure out if if the Xbox 360 role-playing game "Fable II" is right for you is to try it. But if you manage to rent it or borrow it from a friend, you may be overwhelmed. How do you ensure that you can judge "Fable II" properly?

That's why we do these Must-Do lists. Courtesy of "Fable II" desig director Dene Carter (aka not Peter Molyneux!) here are 10 must-do things in "Fable II" -- or, more accurately, this time -- 10 Must-Check-Out Sights And Sounds in the epic game.

I believe Carter's given us our funniest and most M-rated list yet.

Lionhead’s Must-Do List For

“Fable II?

(Xbox 360 Role-Playing Game, October 2008)

1. Bowerstone’s Bridge

Described by Albion’s best-known and least competent bard as "nice and bridgey," this functional edifice spans the entire width of the river Bower*, and is much beloved by both ardent romantics and the "desperate-but-desirous-of-a-quickie." Hand-in-hand walks in the moonlight are given a special magic courtesy of Bowerstone Bridge’s meat, fish and alcoholic beverage stalls.

2. Oakfield’s Temple of Light

In the hills overlooking the pastoral splendor of Oakfield lies the Temple of Light. Despite its curiously dingy interior, pilgrims and advocates of the way of Light make their way here once every half-century, to pay their respects and witness the replanting of the tree of life. You are encouraged to make a donation to the temple during the visit, preferably as a recompense for the sense of peace and inner stillness your visit will achieve, but more probably from the knowledge that generous donations occasionally result in the spontaneous appearance of a valuable nature.

3. Rookridge’s Temple of Shadows

Walkers taking in the air of Rookridge’s precipitous terrain have been entranced by the tattered splendor of the Temple of Shadows for centuries.** What the casual observer may not know is that beneath these ruins lie the headquarters of the local Shadow Worshippers. In an unusual move, this mysterious masked order offer a reward point scheme to visitors bringing friends or family to participate in their exciting "Wheel of Misfortune" game. Please note that this is a one-time offer, and participants are unable to take part twice, for reasons that will be entirely apparent upon visiting the site.

4. Fairfax Castle’s Interior

Fairfax Castle’s dramatic silhouette is visible from almost all of Bowerstone, its turrets and minarets harking back to a simpler, more disease-ridden time when men were real men, and so were some of the women. Offering en-suite beds, and absolutely no unsanitary water-closets, this Castle was recently vacated by its owner, Lord Lucien Fairfax, and since that time (and after the repair of the rather fine stained glass window apparently vandalized by some careless child) has been on sale for the reasonable price of 1,000,000 gold pieces. It is an unrivaled architectural marvel, and would make a good home for someone with children***.

5. Westcliff’s Crucible

Ask anyone what they remembered most when visiting the coastal camp-site of Westcliff and they will probably say: "Aaaargh…" before expiring. To say Westcliff is "a little rough" would be like saying "I assure you, Mr. Bandit, crime certainly does not pay." Pointless, painful and inaccurate. While visitors keep their backs firmly against stone, they might wish to take in the splendor of the local Crucible entertainment venue. The Crucible’s nine individually modeled arenas and the bloodthirsty thrills contained within offer entertainment for the whole family****

6. Wraithmarsh’s Sunken Village

Those of a historical bent may wish to visit Wraithmarsh’s sunken village. Wraithmarsh is a little off the beaten-track, so be sure to pack your best will-powered magical teleportation device to minimize transport issues. Once there, soak in the unique atmosphere, and try to stay out of sight of its local inhabitants. For the garrulous and foolish, a separate flyer titled: "My word. You’re dead. And now, so am I!" is also available from all good flyer-stores. Visit now before this unspoiled corner of the world becomes just another tourist trap. Wraithmarsh: everything you could possibly need, and more!*****

7. Bloodstone’s "Leper’s Arms" Pub

Are you a pervert? Will you sleep with anything that has a pulse? Does your ideal night out involve spending your hard-earned cash picking up diseases and their accompanying owners? Then visit the "Leper’s Arms" pub in the friendly seaside town of Bloodstone -- a mere knife-throw from the ship you probably arrived on. And -- due to the lack of local law enforcement -- what better way to end the night than with a good, old-fashioned brawl. But be careful; Bloodstone’s motto: "Come to Bloodstone. Everyone’s packing!" is no mere boast! For those of an experimental bent, there’s no place better to meet the man, woman or man-woman of your dreams.

8. Gargoyles

Adventurers well versed in firearms might wish to engage in the much-loved sport of Gargoyle hunting. These loud, obnoxious, demonic stone heads will playfully goad you, question your pedigree and actively encourage you to shoot them in the face. They can be found throughout Albion, in the most unlikely places. Listen out for their playful banter before aiming for their smug stone faces and shooting them right between the eyes.

9. Property Investment

Tired of working for money? Performed one too many assassination jobs? Have you smithed just one ingot too far? Look no further than Albion’s plentiful investment opportunities. From shops to stalls, houses to mansions and even Fairfax Castle itself, almost anywhere you can enter can be purchased for the right price. If you’re a little light in the pocket area, stalls are a great place to start; they are down-market, cheap and entirely lacking in class. The rental and stock prices associated are entirely in your control, allowing you to profit from the misery and penury of others without lifting a finger! The Albion Property Market: Because You’re Greedy.

10. Treasure Island

This legendary island allegedly contains untold riches. But then, it’s legendary, so I wouldn’t go trying to find it. That would be silly.

*This was not always true, thanks to the fact that the town’s treasurer, "Cedric the Idiot" had a poor grasp of arithmetic. The project remained unfinished for approximately 82 years, doing wonders for the river’s "32 meter ferry trip" industry.

**This entrancement is usually curtailed by inadvertently walking off the edge of the cliffs in error.

*** Preferably thirty or so.

**** Of bloodthirsty inbred cannibals.

***** Presuming your needs are limited to and do not exceed a slow painful death at the rotting hands/claws/screams of the recently and not so recently diseased.

Related Posts:

Volition’s Must-Do List For ‘Saints Row 2?

Day 1 Studios’ Must-Do List For ‘Fracture’ Players

BioWare’s Must-Do List For ‘Sonic Chronicles: The Dark Brotherhood’ Players