I Played The Chuck Norris Video Game

Chuck Norris kicked my butt.

In his mobile phone game, that is. While in GameLoft's pimped-out hummer during E3, I got to play the new Chuck Norris mobile phone game called "Chuck Norris: Bring The Pain."

Made in conjunction with cult website ChuckNorrisFacts.com and the Texas Ranger himself, the game includes loading screens that give such great Chuck-isms as "On Chuck Norris' phone, there are no loading times" or "Chuck Norris makes onions cry."

As for the story, the game is a classic beat-em-up that revolves around the martial arts hero rescuing hostages and saving America from the invading Communist threat. I played the first level where the rogue Soviet army was holding POWs hostage in Cambodia, using the 2, 6 and 8 buttons to navigate as well as 5 to fire Chuck's weapon at enemies.

And who are said enemies? Me! Before the demo started, the GameLoft rep showing me the game took my photo with the phone. It then super-imposed my face onto some of the enemies that appear in the game (note: the game can hold up to three photos to choose from for enemies, but only one photo can be used throughout the game at a time). After you complete the level, sending multiple enemies to "retirement" and collecting money along the way, you can get life and weapon upgrades for Chuck (not that he really needs them).

I wasn't able to play too much more, as it was an early build, but I did get to the second stage where the player had to hold down a button to keep a wind storm from blowing Chuck away. At this point, he could also punch enemies and pick up nearby vehicles and swing them around as weapons, Incredible Hulk-style. I was also told that bosses include Fidel Castro and Kim Jong-il, and that Chuck will be able to ride a motorcycle, police car and helicopter later in the game. And by the way, when the player is idle, Chuck will do push-ups for fun.

If you're up for the challenge, "Chuck Norris: Bring The Pain" roundhouse kicks its way onto mobile phones next month.