‘Sharknado’ Is The Week’s Most Important News

By Amelia Mularz

“They took my grandfather. That’s why I really hate sharks.”

If “Jaws” or “Deep Blue Sea” (the epic LL Cool J flick from the 90s) didn’t convince you that sharks are bad dudes, then “Sharknado,” which premiered on SyFy last night, is sure to do the job.

While Nova (played by Cassie Scerbo) delivers a heartfelt monologue about her traumatic childhood with the ferocious beasts, the real drama involves modern-day sharks that have teamed up with tornados to terrorize Los Angeles.

Flung from funnel clouds, these carnivorous ocean dwellers now have the power of flight. They use it to do some serious damage on the Santa Monica Pier, as well as stalk Ian Ziering and Tara Reid, who also star in the film.

First and foremost, ’Sharknado” is an important piece of cinematography because it reminds us to recycle. The reason sharks and tornados have combined? Global warming. Duh. In another way, this film demonstrates that we can pretty much go back to every thriller in the archives and insert some sharks to double the fear factor. “Sharknado” is basically “Twister” with a side order of marine life.

“The Shark Shining,” “Psycho Sharks,” “The Sharkorcist—it all sounds terrifying beyond belief. What if Joan Crawford shot sharks out of her eyes in “Mommie Sharkiest”? It’s too much.

Or what about a shark/ghost amalgamation? Could we handle that?

Believe it or not, “Ghost Shark” airs on August 22nd on SyFy. Yep, we’re setting our DVR right now, too.