Sexy Cartoon Characters Are The Week’s Biggest News

By Amelia Mularz

Disney character Merida from the movie “Brave” got a makeover this week, and loads of parents weren’t having it. The animated heroine got all gussied up in preparation for her induction into the Disney Princess Collection (who knew such pomp and circumstance existed?). Disney released a rendering and it became evident that little Merida had received a sassy new look.

Parents complained that she had a deeper neckline, fuller hips, lipstick and voluptuously teased hair. There was even talk of a ’come hither’ look. As word spread more and more parents weighed in and agreed that yes, Merida was looking damn fine. Before we could even wipe the drool from our chins, our nation had plummeted into some serious sexy cartoon character terrain.

Of course, this comes right on the heels of the recent Candy Land board rejiggering. Queen Frostine got fishnets and frumpy ol’ Gramma Nut allegedly got a boob job (emphasis on allegedly).

Back in the day, board games featured hungry hippos and an animated movie meant watching Winnie the Pooh futz around with his honey pot. Yes, Pooh might’ve been borderline depressive with low self-esteem, but we could wrap our minds around his appearance (just not our arms around his waist).

Sure, Betty Boop used to wear a garter belt, and Thelma from “Scooby Doo” was all about her school girl skirt, but for every Betty there was a plump robotic maid named Rosey, and for every Thelma there was a gangly Olive Oyl.

Modern animation has gone off the rails with its sexy factor, especially when it comes to these Disney princesses. Ariel…seriously?! Smoking hot. Princess Jasmine in a tube top? Wowza. And what about the guys? What woman in her early 30s can honestly say she didn’t learn to French kiss on a Prince Eric doll?

So what’s the solution? Pockmarks and rosacea. If Merida is a teenager, give her some acne scars across her cheeks. Bestow Jasmine with the freshman 15, and Pocahontas with a bad case of pubescent menstrual cramps. Let Cinderella experiment with glitter makeup and lipstick that’s three shades too dark, so that one day she’ll look back at pictures from her youth and realize she was unknowingly made up like a chola for every single school dance.

Yes, lets create some cartoon characters that girls can truly relate to.