‘The Bible’ On The Big Screen Is The Week’s Biggest News

By Amelia Mularz

Nope, Mel Gibson’s not involved. This one’s all Mark Burnett, the producer who’s partly to blame for giving Donald Trump his own show (“The Apprentice”), as well as Sarah Palin (“Sarah Palin’s Alaska”), and his wife Roma Downey of “Touched by an Angel” fame. They’re taking their 10-part TV miniseries for the History Channel and re-cutting it into a three-hour movie to be released this fall.

That means you’ll be able to enjoy the story of Jesus and his resurrection the way God truly intended: with your feet resting on a Mountain Dew-saturated floor while clutching a box of Goobers. Plus, while heading to church can be a hassle (c’mon Sunday is for football!), Burnett’s movie will give you a reasonable dose of the biblical for a measly $10-$14 “donation” to your nearest corporately operated, mass movie theater chain.

Then again, Burnett says they haven’t settled on a venue for their film yet. Might we suggest skipping the movie version all together and moving straight into the theme park phase of the series? It’d be like the Wizarding World of Harry Potter, but with a messiah focus.

There could even be a Hall of Biblical Hollywood, similar to the Hall of Presidents at Disney World. This area would feature all the past actors who’ve gotten down with Jerusalem for a movie role. There’s Jim Caviezel who was Jesus in “The Passion of the Christ” and Will Ferrell who took on the savior in “Superstar.” There’s also Patrick Dempsey who once played Jeremiah, Steve Carell who took on Noah, and a whole slew of celebrity Satans, like Elizabeth Hurley, Al Pacino, Jack Nicholson, Robert De Niro, and Christopher Walken.

Want to read the book version before seeing the movie? No not the actual Bible, silly! Burnett and Downey have also written a novel called “A Story of God and All of Us: A Novel Based on the Epic TV Miniseries ’The Bible.'”

If this movie really takes off, maybe we’ll see religious flicks of all faiths popping up in the future. Fingers crossed for a sequel to John Travolta’s Scientology thriller “Battlefield Earth.” Or, what about a Torah flick with a hunky Moses?