By Ryan Rigley
While no light has been shed on the actual plot of “Star Wars VII,” we did get a quite hilarious pitch for what the next “Star Wars” film should look like via an improvised tangent from comedian Patton Oswalt. In an outtake from this week’s episode of “Parks and Recreation,” Oswalt details a “Star Wars” inhabited by the likes of Iron Man, Wolverine, Spider-Man, Thanos, and Sam Worthington from “Clash of the Titans.”
Clearly, this “Star Wars VII: The Gauntlet of Infinity” is a film that will never happen; especially the part about Chewbacca’s decapitated head attached to a spider walker droid. But Oswalt’s pitch does raise a pretty intriguing question; who will be appearing in the next “Star Wars” trilogy? Hopefully, “Star Wars VII” sees the return of Luke Skywalker, Han Solo, and Princess Leia as well as some memorable minor characters such as Salacious Crumb, Jabba the Hutt’s cackling monkey-lizard.
Hailing from the planet Kowak, Salacious B. Crumb would eventually find himself aboard the Kwenn Space Station located between the Mid and Outer Rim territories. Despite being a fairly intelligent creature, Crumb is treated as common filth as the rest of the Kwenn community sees him as a nuisance. In fact, the inhabitants of Kween are so annoyed by him that they Mantilorrian rat-catchers to get rid of Crumb once and for all.
Seeking refuge on a nearby ship, Crumb discovers a huge bowl of otherworldly delicacies unattended to and ripe for the picking. Unfortunately, he soon comes face to face with the owner of the ship, Jabba the Hutt, who immediately attempts to devour Crumb for his crimes. Spitting Crumb out, Jabba watches as the Kowakian monkey-lizard runs about inadvertently covering all of his minions in a green goo. Laughing hysterically as his minions’ misfortunes, Jabba offers Salacious Crumb a job as the official court jester of his palace on Tatooine.
Salacious Crumb is arguably one of the most memorable parts of the “Return of the Jedi” opening sequence. Sure, his laugh is shrill and irritating but that’s exactly what makes him so memorable! Crumb is also way more intelligent than he initially seems. After all, he managed to survive over a dozen years in Jabba’s palace under very strict conditions; if Crumb failed to make Jabba laugh at least once a day, he would be eaten alive.
Obviously, Crumb is fully aware of his actions. It’s not just anybody that could pull off being a full-time court jester for one of the most notorious crime lords in the entire galaxy. In my opinion, it would be really interesting to see the more intelligent side of Crumb in the next few “Star Wars” films.
Alright, yes technically Salacious Crumb dies in the explosion of Jabba’s sail barge at the Sarlacc Pit. But so what? He’s a tiny, devious little creature. Who’s to say whether or not he escaped the explosion? Maybe he got shocked off of C-3PO and fell to safety. If Crumb were to appear in “Star Wars VII,” perhaps he could be portrayed as the next big crime lord of Tatooine. After all, he spent so much time at Jabba’s side; wouldn’t it make sense if some of Jabba’s inherent notoriety rubbed off on Crumb?
Alternatively, Salacious Crumb could appear in either of the “Boba Fett” or “Young Han Solo” spin-off films once again as Jabba’s faithful court jester. Both of these proposed films could be taking place before the original “Star Wars” trilogy and both of the aforementioned characters deal heavily with Jabba the Hutt, so clearly we’ll be seeing Salacious Crumb again in some way, shape or form.